Eastside Region Sweet 16

#1 The Point versus #4 Cozy Corner

The Match-up:

To celebrate their big first round upset,
the Cozy popped bottles of Boone's Farm,
duct-taped them to their hands,
donned their Hammer Pants,
and turned Jamboree Foods into
Jamboree in the (Ghetto) Hills.


What the Blogosphere says:

On Byesville.com, zeroforseven@nojump.com wrote:

“East Wheeling Avenue battles West Wheeling Avenue!
Two-for-One Steak Night battles Two-for-One Shank Night!
Park School battles Lincoln School!
This is like the frickin’ Karatebridge Kid,
with Gumie-san facing off against the Cobra Khan,
under the watchful eye of Sensei Art Clemens.

"Put him in a body bag, Jerome!"

#3 Theo’s versus #7 Courthouse Café

The Match-up:

It is a little known fact that within the original
Northwest Ordinance of 1787, it is explicitly stated that
there must be a bar no less than 50 feet from the entrance
to all municipal buildings. This explains why the new
municipal court is being built so close to The Point.
This law was designed by President Thomas Jefferson
to ease the pain of leather-pants-wearing-mofos
after they get “Judge Slapped” by the Hanging Judge.

"Nice shot Dustin!"

What the Blogosphere says:

On chow.com, kneehighsocks@recspecs.com wrote:

“The ‘Courthouse Café?’
Wasn’t that slang for getting late-night
Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers from Wendy's,
eating them on the benches in front of the Courthouse,
and then throwing our trash in Gene’s shitty little lawn?”


What Shawn Kemp says:

“I’m like a black Bill Brasky.
I’ve sired a baseball team,
the Southeastern Ohio Symphony
if you count the bastards!”

Northside Region Sweet 16

#1 Holiday Inn Bar versus #5 Bear’s Den

The Match-up:

Deep in the heart of Old Washington,
archeologists have discovered an iconic totem
pole sculpture of the Great Drunken Bear God
that was once worshipped by a primitive
Native American Indian tribe named the
Jamboreeans in the Hilleans.
These peaceful pooch-hunters & gatherers
were known for trading beads and beaver pelts
for NASCAR tee-shirts, jean shorts, and chaw.

[I just said ‘beaver pelts’… snicker, snicker]


What the Blogosphere says:

On yelp.com, brokenknee@architects.com wrote:

“How? Kemosabe.
Me Jamboreean in the Hilleans Big Chief.
Me smoke ’em the peace pipe
with other Injun Warriors
in the parking lot of Hardee’s.”

#2 The Forum versus #6 Muddy Miser

The Match-up:

Last time I was boozing at the Forum,
I was seated at the bar surrounded by a pre-party for the
Cambridge Junior High School’s Sweetheart’s Dance.
The Sweetheart’s Dance is like an 8th Grade Prom.
This only made me feel slightly creepy in a
Lawrence Taylor kind of way.
But hey, Jason Seckman was there, too!

“Hello ladies, how’s Ohio History?
Is that pimp John Ritter-mofo Mr. Gibson
still throwing game at Billie Lewis’ fine Bea Arthur ass?”

What the Blogosphere says:

On savorycity.com, amish@whatsyourbrasize.com wrote:

“The Muddy Miser’s back porch overlooks
the Muskingum River. That river is so brown
it looks like a tributary of Seneca Lake
after that frickin’ guy in the Mohawk
goes brown trout fishing.”


What former West Virginian Mountaineer Power Forward,
Kevin Pittsnogle, says:

“A Prom for 8th Graders?
Par-TAY!
Ladies, in Morgantown,
people call me
Kevin Poonnogle!”

Name That Shithole

With the first round of the Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket
in the books, it's time to play Name That Shithole!

Let the guessing begin...

Results from the Barrett Hill Road Region

#1 Shakers Nite Club 77
#8 Silver Eagle 55

The Silver Eagle was like a gigantic alcoholic pigeon
that nested near downtown Cambridge.
Every weekend, it would swoop down
and poop on Wheeling Avenue's head.
And didn't it used to be a Male Stripclub?
Yikes! I bet Double Decker & Snaggletooth
used to roll into that joint like those two English
bitches on Absolutely Fabulous.


#4 Buffalo Grill 96
#5 Crossroads Tavern 77

The Battle of South Guernsey Country turned out to be less like
OU vs. Georgetown and more like OU vs. Tennessee.
While the [other] Bobcats were left wondering how to
stop the bum bleeding, I was left wondering;
‘How did Mr. Weiss get hired as an
Ohio University Assistant Basketball Coach?”

#3 Liberty’s 55
#6 Deep Cut Tavern 77

Give me Coors Lite, or give me death!
I liked getting 'Days Inn-Faced' at Southgate Parkway’s
version of the MGM Grand more when it was an Absinthe Bar.
(Remember THAT? I'm dreaming of a Green Christmas!)
But while boozing at Liberty’s, I did create a fun WNBA
drinking game; every time some bull-dyking-ass-bitch
shoots a lay-up, you do a shot of “Pat” Daniels!


#2 Market House Inn 64
#7 Bud’s Pub 51

The Market House Inn wins big over the Out House Inn.
The Market House has homemade fettuccine noodles,
Bud’s Pub has a homemade sign.
The Market House has a bar tending machine,
Bud's Pub has a bottle opening machine: Bud's teeth.
The Market House is modeled after
the oldest operating riverside pub in England;
Bud’s Pub is modeled after Bud’s house.

Results from the Southside Region

#1 Long Branch 80
#8 Howdy’s 56

The Long Branch’s Thursday Night ‘All You Can Eat Fish Fry’
trashed Howdy’s defense like it was a bathroom on a Birthday Party
Bar Crawl. [Remember that infamous night? After we got 86ed
from the Long Branch, remember where we ended up?
That’s right The Silver Eagle, baby!]


#4 Phil’s Seafood 50
#5 Creekside Café 54

Throw your gang signs in the sky!

Westside…

Eastside…

CREEKSIDE!

“With some much drama in the CAMB,
it’s kinda hard being Snoop C. R. double E!”


#3 Spirit Lounge 52
#6 Doctor’s Lounge 54

As expected this was a close game, with Doc’s winning the
Lounge Showdown thanks to a shot at the buzzer.
And by shot, of course, I mean a shot of Firewater,
which, by the way, is still sold at Mr. G's.
The heartbreaking defeat leaves the Spirit Lounge
and its fan to perch atop their urine-soaked barstools
and cry into their Cream Chicken Sandwiches.


#2 Park Circle 77
#7 Rocking Horse 51

The Rocking Horse could not rock the house against
the Park Circle. [And while we’re on the subject, wasn’t
‘Rock the House’ the name of the first album by
The Amish Prince & DJ Jazzy Jason?]
And in the biggest news in East Cambridge
since NCR closed and PJ went to Church Camp...
the Park Circle is expanding!

Results from the Eastside of Cambridge Region

#1 The Point 76
#8 The Spot 63

Out, out damn Spot! The Point tears down The Spot like it was…
well, actually the Spot. The building that used to house the Spot
was so dirty and ugly that it made Cheyenne’s look like it was
designed by Rem Koolhas.


#4 Cozy Corner 49
#5 Chances 47

Chances was getting all cozy by the campfire, drinking foo-foo
beer like Killian’s Red, and listening to the deep discussion
about the new international style of architecture, when…
BAM! The Cozy Corner all creeped up like Snoop Eastwood
and punched 'em with a beer-cozy-covered fist!


#3 Theo’s 84
#6 Cheyenne’s 70

Theo’s goes ‘General Custer’ on Cheyenne’s, serving up a flaming
bag of poo with a side of Peas [on Earth]. In the post-game
interview, Theo’s thanks the 1995 State Winning Cambridge
Golf Team and gives a shout-out to Magilla Gorilla.


#2 BW 3s 62
#7 Courthouse Café 64

The Courthouse Café pulls off the upset of the first round by
knocking off the #2 seed. Sure, BW 3s is always crowded,
but who really wants to get ‘bobcatfaced’
on Maple Avenue? If I decided to pave
the strip between my balls and arsehole,
it would resemble Maple Avenue.

Results from the Northside Region

#1 Holiday Inn Bar 72
#8 The Elk’s Club 57

Snaggletooth celebrates The Holiday Inn’s blowout victory by
dancing to Hey Y’all at center-court, throwing her panties at Gumie
in the stands, and requesting to borrow The Spirit Stick for the evening
[Yuck!]


#4 Roland’s Hi Li 66
#5 The Bear’s Den 67

Roland’s Hi Li had an open look at a no-jump lay-up
at the buzzer to win the game, but Sneadger came out of nowhere
to Tayshaun Prince that “weak stuff” halfway to North Canton.
But even in defeat, Roland’s does win the award
for the best Gin & Diet Pepsi in town.


#3 Ruby Tuesday’s 43
#6 Muddy Miser 46

The Muddy Miser is miserly on defense, as Ruby Tuesday’s
is left to contemplate whether or not removing their 1995 Cambridge
Basketball Team photograph from the restaurant’s entrance lobby
has created a Boston Red Sox-like curse:
the Curse of the Bam-GENO.


#2 The Forum 86
#7 East End Tavern 68

Southgate Parkway tops Sunrise Center as The Forum’s defense
blankets the East End Tavern like feta on a Greek pizza.
[Greek pizza? I thought this fucking place was Italian?]

Barrett Hill Road Region

#1 Shakers Nite Club versus #8 Silver Eagle

The Match-up:

If you replace all the Ohio State sweatpants with bathing suits,
the chewing tobacco with illicit Cuban cigars, and the Mich Ultras
with Cuba Libras with fancy cocktail umbrellas, Shakers
could easily be mistaken for a Miami Beach Nightclub.
Look for Shakers to dance all over the Silver Eagle,
who had to defeat the Cambridge VFW in the
play-in game just to make the tournament.

What the Blogosphere says:

On discoverourtown.com, ladouche@arthistory.com wrote:

“Kept on pursuing to the next stop…
I busted a left and I’m heading to the next block…
The block was dead, so I continued to A1A…
Wheeling Avenue!”

#4 Buffalo Bar & Grill versus #5 Crossroads Tavern

The Match-up:

Look for things to get nasty between neighbors.
Current Green Bay Packers Defensive Coordinator,
Dom Capers, still ends every pre-game pep-talk by shouting
“King Frouk on three… One, two, three…KING FROUK!”
Crossroads lies only miles southwest of Buffalo, in Pleasant City.
Pleasant City? Is that not the greatest name for any place to get drunk?
“One more glass of absinthe and I’ll be in Pleasant City, baby!”

What the Blogosphere says:

On businessfinder.com, pjsplash@thetempleofdoom.com wrote:

“Bone Bone Bone…BONE… Meet me at the Crossroads Tavern…”
How did Bone Thugz-n-Harmony know about Crossroads Tavern?
Do you think Krayzie Bone attended Meadowbrook
before being forcedout of town for dressing too
much like a Daryl Strawberry?”

#3 Liberty’s versus #6 Deep Cut Tavern

The Match-up:

Liberty’s is located in what used to be the Days’ Inn Employee
Overnight Porno Lounge. Rumor has it that there was a tremendous
about of “kitty" porn downloaded there by a certain Night Manager.
A NASCAR-themed sports bar, Liberty’s is the Spirit Lounge’s stepchild.
Deep Cut Tavern might technically be the closest bar to both the
Lion’s Den and Jamboree in the Hills.

What the Blogosphere says:

On menupages.com, heyguys@wantsomegum.com wrote:

“Jerry Falwell’s Ghost wanted me to explicitly announce that
Liberty’s Bar is NOT affiliated with Liberty University,
although Wally’s Pizza does delivery to both.”

#2 The Market House Inn versus #7 Bud’s Pub

The Match-up:

The Market House, and its NCR invented bartending machine
[nicknamed the R2Drunk2] should secure an easy victory over
Cambridge’s version of the bar from The Drew Carey Show.
While Bud's Pub advertises Daily Happy Hour Specials,
“happy” is not a word that comes to mind when thinking
about the people who pound Buds at Bud’s.

What the Blogosphere says:

On ohiomag.com, thatsyourflightson@mikeways.com wrote:

“If the fifty steps that it takes to get from NCR’s backdoor
to The Long Branch are too far to travel, you’re in luck;
Bud’s Pub is practically located in NCR’s parking lot!”

“This is the toughest
Region in the entire
tournament.
All four top seeds
could easily make
the Final Four.
Look for Shaker’s
to shake that
moneymaker
all the way
to the Final.”

“What? You’ve never heard of
BOB Biv Devoe?
Well, maybe this sexy ditty
will jog your memory;
“Never trust a big butt and a smile...”

The Southside of Cambridge Region

#1 The Long Branch versus #8 Howdy’s

The Match-up:

Look for The Long Branch to beat Howdy’s with a long branch
better known as the Ugly Stick. The pride of East Cambridge goes into
the tournament as the overall number two seed, and is a heavy
favorite against the bar famous for its proximity to the Long John Silvers.

What the Blogosphere says:

On Cambridgedining.com, curlyrunsthecity@marathon.com wrote:

“Howdy’s was like an alcoholic’s Hardee’s.”





#4 Phil’s Seafood versus #5 Creekside Café

The Match-up:

Scrod battles Brown Trout in another great #4 versus #5 showdown.
The menu at Phil’s includes a mean dish of crayfish, lobsters delivered
daily from Maine, and the kind of crabs that are harder to find
around Zanesville. Creekside used to be Brighton’s Ice Cream Parlor.
Gone are the Root Beer floats and the busloads of elderly
Jesus-freaks bound for The Living Word.

What the Blogosphere says:

On Midwestliving.com, 50dollartip@oldoperahousebar.com wrote:

“If Brighton’s can turn itself into a bar, what’s next?
The Frosty Treat Old Absinthe House and Cigar Bar?”




#3 Spirit Lounge versus #6 The Doctor’s Lounge

The Match-up:

The Spirit Lounge’s Wednesday night $2 Creamed Chicken
Sandwiches were a reason to miss South Park.
But this classic Cambridge institution should have
its hands full in this first round match-up.
The Doctor’s Lounge is like Optimus Prime’s sleazy uncle
(and actually, wasn’t one of the Decepticons named ‘Blackout’?)
Doc’s can transform itself from a bar into a pizza parlor,
and then morph into a Gentleman’s Club.

What the Blogosphere says:

On Visitohio.com, slowhandinthevan@thinwhiteduke.com wrote:

“The Doctor’s Lounge?
This must be where B.V. drinks B.V. and Dr. Max
pounds Kingfishers with Dr. Sock-it-to-YA!”





#2 Park Circle versus #7 The Rocking Horse

The Match-up:

Two bars, zero windows.
The Rocking Horse may have a balcony,
but it’s a long way from Bourbon Street.
The saloon’s stock rose after Stacey van Dyne’s
Christmas party rocked Wheeling Avenue’s
monkey ass like Gorilla’s in the Mist Part Deux.
But the Rocking Horse faces stiff first round competition;
Park Circle might just be the best kept secret in Cambridge

What the Blogosphere says:

On Pleasantcity.citysearch.com, drunktank@stormville.com wrote:

“The Park Circle’s ninety cent PBR in a frosty mug was the
single greatest thing to ever happen to Cambridge, Ohio
since Hop-a-long Cassidy waxed his chest”

“An Elite 8
match-up between
The Long Branch
and Park Circle
might cause riots
in East Cambridge.
I wouldn’t be surprised
if an angry mob
storms Riesbeck’s
like it was the
fucking Bastille!