The Felice Brothers at SPACE Gallery

This concert should’ve never really happened.

The Felice Brothers were due to play a $12 concert at SPACE Gallery in Portland, and I was in Columbus, Ohio.

While the band was doing soundcheck, I was sitting at my boarding gate at Columbus Airport, reading Ralph Nader’s new novel, and eating a Clif Bar. My literary included a layover in Baltimore, where I wolfed down a slice of pizza and ogled New England’s MLS squad ‘The Revolution.’ (As I expected, they all looked like sissies!)

I then sat on the tarmac in the Baltimore, attempting to drown out the doofus behind me by singing the chorus to ‘Whiskey in my Whiskey’:

I put some whiskey in my whiskey

I put some heartbreak into my heart

I put my boots on that old dancefloor

And I put three rounds, Lord, in my .44

My ETA in Portland was 10:15, but when do airlines ever arrive on time?

And doors opened at SPACE Gallery at 7:30.

No chance, right?

I first heard of The Felice Brothers from Uncut Magazine, who listed them on their Top 100 albums of the decade list. The article included a picture of the band swimming fully-clothed and still wearing their hats. I mistook them for British. I mean, going swimming fully-clothed and wearing a hat sounds like the queer shite that only Brits do. But I was wrong; they’re actually from upstate New York.

My copy of Uncut Magazine also came with a free cd, which included the song ‘Don’t Wake the Scarecrow.’ The song is a creepy faux Americana ballad that reminds me of a musical version of Cormac McCarthy’s Blood Meridian. (And by the way, who, other than Cormac McCarthy, knew that bald albinos could be so badass?) ‘Don’t Wake the Scarecrow’ was so good that it made me wish that I had a favorite heroin-addicted prostitute with whom I could plan a weekend getaway to Reno.

On the strength of ‘Don’t Wake the Scarecrow,’ I bought the album in a record store in Dayton, Ohio. It wasn’t my first choice; I was actually trying to buy the newest Fleet Foxes album. Wow, that would’ve been a big mistake! I now know that the Fleet Foxes sound as sissy as the New England Revolution look, fruity Odwalla drinking mofos!

I expected big things from the album, but, to be honest, I was mildly disappointed. It was patchy. The songs tended towards slower tempos, and too many slow tempo songs spell boredom over an entire album. But songs like ‘Frankie’s Gun’ and ‘Greatest Show on Earth’ were catchy and fun. Rave reviews on Pitchfork.com compared the album to early Dylan and The Band.

I arrived at Portland International Jetway (relatively) on time. By the time I navigated baggage claim, it was approaching 10:30. Harboring very low expectations, I hopped a cab, dropped my bag off, and zoomed off to SPACE Gallery.

What luck! Apparently, I wasn’t the only person to have experienced travel delays that evening; The Felice Brothers had been delayed for hours at the Canadian border. They were running super-late, to the point that the organizers were becoming concerned that they were languishing in a Canadian gulag.

According to rumor, Canadian Mounties at the border crossing mistook the band for drug-smuggling hobos. And to Canada’s credit, they are a sketchy-looking bunch of dudes, traveling in a van, and claiming to be “brothers.”

The Felice Brothers arrived no more than ten minutes before I did.

It was a great show: loud, late, & very sweaty. It felt like a Cajun Catskills Fais-do-do. Cheap PBR flowed like the waters of a bubbling Hudson Valley spring. The songs that came off as slow on the album, sounded great live; they were very energetic and endearingly messy.

The only downside to The Felice Brothers’ run-in with the Canadian Mounties was that lead singer, Ian Felice’s, clothes had apparently been confiscated at the border. This confiscation forced him to play the entire show wearing his Grandmother’s nightshirt.

Take a look:

And, believe it or not, those two blokes in the photograph are the only two real brothers in The Felice Brothers.

Those two are brothers?

Are you sure?

Ian looks like Errol Flynn; while James looks like a frickin’ professional grizzly bear wrestler!

No wonder the Canadian Mounties were suspicious…

Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket Honorable Mentions (Part III):

Most Impressive Selection of Ohio Beers:

Theo’s
(Columbus Pale Ale, Cleveland’s
Great Lakes Eliot Ness, & Akron’s Thirsty Dog)



Bar Name that Most Reminds Me of Mikeways:

Ye Olde Falls Inn in Zanesville



Best Hanging Taxidermy:

The Muddy Misers

Best Non-Hanging Taxidermy:

The Chronic’s Den

Most Awesome Thing to Say about Creekside Cafe:

“I had my first date there!”

[Technically it was still Brighton’s Ice Cream Parlor,
where Cassie & I shared a delightful dinner.
Jetia & I never really went on “dates”]



Best Shitter:

The Holiday Inn



Best Shitter for Ankle to Trash
on Bert’s Birthday Bar Crawl:

The Long Branch



Strangest Food Item on Any Menu
in Southeastern Ohio:

$1.50 Goose Liver Sandwich at Terry’s Tavern in Zanesville




Best Food Special Now That the Spirit Lounge
No Longer Offers $2 Creamed Chicken
Sandwich Wednesday Nights:

The Park Circle’s .45 cent wings and
$1.00 Draft Beers on Thursday Night



Best NBA paraphernalia:

The autographed Kevin Martin jersey
and the decorative Houston Rockets
Terrible Towel in Terry’s Tavern in Zanesville

[Terrible Towel?

I thought that was Yao Ming’s Spunk Rag?]

Gumie’s Original Aurora:

The Long Branch



Cambridge Bar That Would Be Filled with
Annoying Hipsters If It Were Located
in Williamsburg, Brooklyn:

Bud’s Pub



Last NYCtown Bar:

Habana Outpost in Fort Greene



Best Story from the Last NYCtown:

The King of Dubai’s bankrolling
Ethan and Ari’s move to Miami



Best Text Sent to Bert While Chronic & I
were getting ‘State-Faced’ at the
Geisen Haus in North Canton:

“We’re hammered and heading towards Berlin.
Can’t wait to meet Alex & Kelly, Jr.”



Worst Mental Image Discussed While
Chronic & I were getting ‘State-Faced’
at the Geisen Haus in North Canton:

Zydrunas Ilgauskas taking his “talents” to
South Beach in a Lithuanian Flag speedo



Most Iconic Food Item in Old Washington:

Deep Cut’s Deep Fried Hamburger

Most Iconic Food Item in Byesville:

Buffalo Bar & Grill’s King Frouk



Most Iconic Food Item in Cambridge:

Theo’s Famous Coney Island Hot Dog for $1.25
[Grated Cheddar cheese, cole slaw,
or extra sauce .25 cents each]



Best Bar View of Any Bar in Southeastern Ohio:

The back patio overlooking the Muskingum River
at Terry’s Tavern in Zanesville

Worst Bar View:

The gigantic pair of skanky thighs that Gumie & I
recently saw upon walking into the Park Circle



Best Comparison that I wasn’t able to use on the Blog:

Theo’s is to the CPAC Theater what NYC’s
Russian Tea Room is to Carnegie Hall.

Worst Comparison that I wasn’t able to use on the Blog:

Creekside Café is like Quark’s bar on the
Promenade of Deep Space Nine, where
Ferengi used to sell Rum and Slugo-Cola.



Best Bar Memorabilia Involving a Character from Star Trek:

Drunken Spock at the Weasel Boy Brewery in Zanesville

Name That Shithole (Part IV)

Alright, I've saved the best for last.

If I remember correctly, all of us (excluding Bert)
have set foot in this fine Guernsey County establishment.

And if you squint, you can see that in the photograph
there's a stuffed gorilla in a baby carriage.

Wow, I found that to be VERY ironic!

Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket Honorable Mentions (Part II)

Best Munchies
(according to Groooovin’ Larry):

Fish & Chips at the Muddy Miser

Funniest Mental Image from the Market House Inn:

The NCR-made bartending machine sticking his
robotic balls in Gumie’s Sapphire Martini



Best Bar to See New Cambridge High School
Varsity Basketball Coach, Mike Andrews,
Sneaking into at 2:00 am:

Shakers Nite Club



Greatest Thing About the Old Holiday Inn Bar:

Seeing Gumie Wear Snaggletooth’s
Confederate Flag Panties like a Bandana



Best Memory from the Silver Eagle:

Me and E. Wayne Earp getting a free PBR
from bartender Kevin Hickman



Weirdest Memory from the Silver Eagle:

The time some sketchball challenged me to a
fight in the parking lot for staring at him



Stupidest Thing I Did During the
Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket:

Walk across the railroad bridge behind
the Muddy Miser while Bobcat-faced

Best Joke about Old Washington:

The Union Army “Sneadgered” Morgan’s Raiders
like that were Ethan playing center in an
8th Grade Basketball game



Best Place to Buy Alcohol
Near New Concord:

The Cooler; you gotta love a place where
you can get your boat repaired and
buy a twelve pack of Natty Light.



Best Architectural Flourish
of Any Bar in Southeastern Ohio:

The Rocking Horse’s New Orleans-like balconies



Worst Architectural Flourish
of Any Bar in Southeastern Ohio:

Every revolting inch of Howdy’s Tavern



Gayest Architectural Flourish
of Any Bar in Southeastern Ohio:

[Insert Your Own Kent State Joke Here]

Why I Love The Park Circle

It was the hottest day of the summer when I pulled out
of the driveway and headed to the Park Circle.

I mean, it was hotter than Emily out.

The thermostat in the car recorded 97 degrees.

My ‘Peas on Earth’ tee-shirt was soaked with sweat,
and my mustache was dripping with saline & White Russian Milk.

I was afraid that my State Ring might melt to the steering wheel.

But heat or no heat, I was not to be denied.

I was as determined as Tommy Lloyd to play #1 seed to get
Bobcat-faced on the Park Circle’s new outdoor patio.

That’s right, I said: the Park Circle has expanded!

There hasn’t been this much excitement in Cambridge
since Mayor Schaub donned a dress like frickin'
Mrs. Doubtfire and tried to blow Gumie’s dad!

[Actual, doesn’t ‘Mayor Schaub’ sound like a
great name for a Milwaukee-style beer?]

Mayor Schaub:
The Beer That Made Cambridge Famous!

But back to the Pride of East Cambridge...

The Park Circle’s expansion has Cambridge buzzing with
more excitement than Gumie at a Star Trek Convention,
whose theme is ‘The Cats of Deep Space Nine,’ or
Bert getting bra sizes at the 15 Year Reunion.

[“Whoa, Missy, you’re still a C Cup?”]

But before I get too carried away with
comparisons, here are some ‘Before & After’ photos:

[I’m talking about the Park Circle’s patio, not of
Gumie surrounded by Jadzia Dax lookalike pussy cats!]


Before:

Notice how small and crappy the bar looks.

Who needs windows, right?

I mean, the Alamo had more windows than the Park Circle!

And now gaze upon the ‘After’ photograph.


After:

Now, the Park Circle looks like a small,
crappy bar…with a patio!

Par-TAY!

And take a closer look at the photograph,
see anything odd:

Yup, that’s a Cambridge Taxi parked directly in front of the bar.

And what you can’t see is that on the door is written:
“Cambridge Taxi: Cambridge’s Designated Driver.”

Hmm…

It’s 5:30 on a Friday afternoon,
and I don’t think that Taxi Driver is
in the Park Circle picking anybody up.

The Park Circle: New Management, New Patio,
Same Old Sketchy East Cambridge Clientele!

And while the exterior has changed,
the Park Circle’s inside still looks like it
did when we would go there to enjoy
.99 cent PBRs in a frosty mug.

The PBR is gone, but the sign over the bar is still there that reads;
“Keep the ‘F’ word to yourself, or you may be asked to leave."

How classy is that?

I mean, there’s no way that Bert’s emails would
be allowed to drink in the Park Circle.

And don’t be too fucking pissed off that the fucking Park Circle
no longer has fucking PB fucking R on tap, they do stock
another hand-to-find Milwaukee bar:

Blatz, baby!

Rumor around town is that a number of architecture
firms actually bid on building the Park Circle’s patio.

One of these bidders was a highly
esteemed architectural firm from Boston.

According to the rumor that I heard at Bud’s Pub,
this architectural firm planned to completely
redesign the patio to resemble the outdoor
pavilion of a Seneca Lake Cabin.

There would be an outhouse,
Macaroni Salad artwork, and a place
for Corey Moore to drunkenly face-plant
midway through Barry Davis’ new band’s
killer rendition of ‘Don’t Fear the Reaper.’

[Or was the name of that song: “Don’t Fear the Leaper?”]

According to the old drunk next to me
at Bud’s Pub, this Boston architectural
firm had won the competition, and the
plans were almost finalized.

All that was left to do was to dot the ‘I’s,
cross the ‘T’s, and scar the noses.

But at the last minute, the Davis Architecture Group burst
into the room like the fucking Kool-Aid Man and
‘Koolhas-slapped’ those bitch-asses back to Boston!

OH SNAP!

You just got KOOLHAS-SLAPPED!

What President Barack Obama
Says About The Park Circle:

“Alaskan Julie?”

That fish-smelling Ho got
KOOLHAS-SLAPPED
all the way back to Wasilla!

Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket Honorable Mentions (Part I)

Best Joke from the Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket:

“Isaiah, the Bear’s Den wooden totem pole just called you a nigger!”

Best Framed Photograph:

Sure, every bar in the area has a framed photograph of Dom Capers,
but only Roland’s Hi Li has a framed photograph of some
Byesville homo shaking hands with Ronald Reagan



Best Joke Referencing the Long Branch’s
Theme of a Western Saloon:

“E. Wayne Earp is my friend… I’m your Berryhuckle!”



Hardest Bar to Find Even Though It Has Three
Rural Highway Signs in Front of It:

Crossroads Tavern

Weirdest Thing Ever Said to
Dom Capers at the Muddy Misers:

“Will you autograph my wall-hanging trout sculpture?”



Best Beer on Any Menu in Southeastern Ohio:

Abita Turbodog at Ruby Tuesday’s



Worst Beer on Any Menu in Southeastern Ohio:

Pond Ale at the Jackson Park Pub

Name That Shithole (Part 3)

Alright, here's a hint for Name That Shithole (Part 3):
This is the closest bar to what was The Frosty Treat.

I wasn't aware until I ventured down to snap some pictures
that this INfamous Cambridge establishment is
surrounded on all four sides by factories.

How sketchy is THAT?

I mean, this Shithole feels like a bar that Axl Foley
might frequent in 'Cambridge Hills Cop'

Let the guessing begin...

Why I Love the Buffalo Bar & Grill

This post could be subtitled: ‘Why I Don’t Love Roland’s Hi Li.’

Or it could be subtitled: ‘The Battle of Byesville.’

Or: ‘Turner vs Turner.’

[That sounds like a cross between ‘Spy vs Spy’ and the WWF plot
where Hulk Hogan and Randy ‘the Macho Man’ Savage team up,
with Julie playing the role of Wendy, and with Tut prowling
ringside like an angry, black Mr. Fuji]

Going into the Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket, I had heard
lots of rumors about how Roland Hi Li was the best
bar in the Rolling Hills school district.

I had also heard rumors of how ‘Chop’ Broom & Gus Smalley
roll into Roland’s like Eddie Murphy & Richard Pryor
in the movie ‘Harlem Nights.’

“Is you disrespectin’ Chop?”

I knew of Roland’s three pool tables and of their
signature cocktail, nicknamed ‘Meadowbrook Milk.’

While Roland’s bartenders keep the recipe for this famous drink
top-secret, I’m pretty sure that it’s just Gin & Diet Pepsi.

After sampling ‘Meadowbrook Milk’ for the first time,
Gumie declared the drink better than Firewater
with a Zima chaser, and then offered to buy the bar.

[Roland’s IS for sale!]

But to be honest, the Buffalo Bar and Grill makes Roland’s
look like drinking Mad Dog 20/20 in the shitter at halftime
of a Meadowbrook vs Cambridge football game.

To begin with, Buffalo Bar and Grill is gigantic!

It has three huge rooms, and a back bar that’s only open
on weekends and/or for Meadowbrook High School reunions.

Typical Meadowbrook High School Reunion Question:

“When did you get out of da joint, Darryl?”

Typical Meadowbrook High School Reunion Answer:

“About the same time that my brother Darryl went in.”

In addition to its sheer size, the Buffalo Bar and Grill
claims to be Dom Capers’ favorite bar on earth.
And it’s a well-known fact that Dom Capers
is the John Glenn of Meadowbrook.

Actually, he might be cooler than John Glenn
since the ‘Rocket Man’ has never drank
anything stronger than Kick.

And speaking of Kick, if there were a Battle Royal of all
local celebrities, I’m pretty sure Dom Capers would
kick John Glenn in his spaceballs like he was
Darth Helment, and then he would pour a
MGD down his throat.

Did I say that Dom Capers was the
John Glenn of Meadowbrook?
He sounds more like the
Chuck Norris of BUFF-alo!

[And you’re next, Doug ‘Candy Ass’ Donley!]

Plus, I have an extra special reason to love
the Buffalo Bar and Grill; wifey bones
used to live in the white house directly
across the street from the joint!

And her mom still works at the blue carry-out
liquor store and bait and tackle shop next door.

And that’s the house where I actually
picked her up for our first date!

How awesome would it be to live across
the street from the Buffalo Bar and Grill?

You could eat a
King Frouk for breakfast,
liver and onions for lunch,
and Old Milwaukee for dinner!

Put a man on that diet and look out Dom Capers!

“Put me in coach, I’m ready to play… offensive line!"

After a month of that diet, even Gumie could play
Offensive Tackle in the NFL like that big
Chronic looking motherfucker
from The Blind Side!


What the First Lady of the
United States of America,
Michelle Obama, says
about the Buffalo Bar & Grill:

Look out
Cambridge!

Me, Barack,
& Joe Ballin’ Biden
are gonna dominate
this year's Gus Macker,
Chicago style!

Why I Love the Muddy Misers

The reason why I love the Muddy Misers is NOT because
it has the best taxidermy in Southeastern Ohio.

Nor is it because its name sounds like Muddy Mudsliders,
which reminds me of my 3rd all-time favorite Cabin memory;
behind the Bread Thongs and the night Gumie’s drunk ass
fell into the lake & a kindly architect offered to give him
“mouth-to-penis” resuscitation.

Nor is the reason why I love the Muddy Misers because
the bar is themed after Zane Grey, although I do like the fact
that Zane Grey was such a pooch-hound that he made
T.J. look like Mark E. Bowers.

Now, I understand how outrageous this claim must at first appear.

Who could make Ethan’s protégé look like Mark E. Bowers?

But think about this; many people have a
secret homemade stash of porno?

But how many of these secret stashes end up in a museum?

Zane Grey’s secret stash of homemade porn
ended up in the Ohio Historical Society!

How pimp is THAT?

Nor is the reason why I love the Muddy Miser
because of its beautiful back patio that overlooks
the Muddy Muskingum River.

This patio is a great place to tip back a couple of
Great Lakes beers, grub some fish & chips,
or get ‘Kelly-faced’ with Groooovin’ Larry
like I did a couple of weekends ago.

[God, how AWESOME is the phrase ‘Kelly-faced’?
Too bad Rudy Holiday wasn’t more Zane Grey!]

No, the reason why I love the Muddy Miser
is because of how good I feel every time
I take a piss in its bathroom

Allow me to explain.

Pissing at the Muddy Miser became the feel good
story of the entire Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket;
like Bo Kimble shooting a left-handed free-throw
in memory of his friend Hank Gathers Cunningham.

In the Muddy Miser’s shitter, there’s a huge framed
photograph depicting the controversial pass
interference call from Ohio State’s upset
of Florida in the 2002 BCS title game.

Many OSU haters claim that this call
was bogus and helped Ohio State
steal an undeserved victory.

[And by the way haters,
Ethan's waiting in the parking lot!]

But the feel-goodness doesn’t stop there.

Take a closer look at the plaque
at the bottom of the photograph:

Can you see it?

Can you see THE LOVE?

It reads:

“Donated by Choo Choo Chappelear
In memory of Freight Train Evans”

If that doesn’t bring a tear to your eye
then you haven’t drank enough.

But don’t worry,
Grooooovin’ Larry just ordered
another round of Buttery Nipple shots!

What Drunken Ass Steve Nash &
'Cousin' Dirk Navicky
say about the Muddy Miser

Somebody call
Eduardo ‘Tavio Soto’ Najera

We're getting
KELLY-FACED
TONIGHT!

Why I Love The Point

Can any list of best bars in Southeastern Ohio NOT include The Point?

It’s as important to Cambridge’s social fabric as Brazil is to the
Word Cup, steroids are to Liberty’s Special Teams, or
Cheap-ass Textbooks are to Brooklyn Public Schools.

While other bars in the area fill up with jabronees, douche bags,
architects, and Brett Michaels wannabes from Byesville,
The Point gets packed with local celebrities.

Don’t believe me?

I recently went to The Point on a random Saturday night and
compiled this list of the distinguished Cambridge people who
congregated around the bar, drinking Michelob Ultra
showing off their State Rings, and discussing life in
Ohio Magazine’s Best Hometown of 2010.

Here’s the list:

9 students who got hammered in Spain during the
infamous 1994 Spanish Club field trip

(including the one student who really got “hammered”)

8 members of the infamous “Hood Ornament Gang”

(including members of both the Nike & Addidas Posse)

7 former Ray Voltz Award winners

(including 0 weight lifting non-Ray Voltz Award winners)

6 bastard children of Ray Voltz

(including one with the odd last name ‘Ka-VOLTZ-chik’)

5 former Cambridge High School valedictorians

(including Cameron Quick-Bowers)

4 people claiming membership in the EP

(real EP members are sworn to secrecy like the Knights Templar!)

3 members of the Cambridge Junior High School Basketball B Team

(including Sheldon Ilgauskas)

2 former mayors of Cambridge

(including one who dressed like Nathan Lane in The Birdcage)

And...

1 future mayor of Cambridge, better known as DICK! Bertkus

In addition to all of these legendary Cambridge
characters, I also spied the SLOW HAND
of the all-time most successful coach
in Cambridge High School tennis history.

I also spied the STEADY HAND of the
all-time most successful circumciser
in Cambridge medical history.

What the 5th Senior on the 1995 State Team says
about The Point:

“You call
this a
No-Jump
Lay-up?

I’m the
Jackson Park
Jordan, BABY!”

Name That Shithole (Part Deux)

Alright, Kiron correctly guessed that the last
'Name That Shithole' was the beloved Spirit Lounge.

Now things get tougher.

I had to do a serious drive-by to snap this photo.

I stopped the car in the middle of the road,
rolled down my window, snapped this photo,
and then sped off like I had just egged Cheyenne's.

Thankfully, my drive-by was a success and I wasn't
forced to star in a homemade version of
'Deliverance: Part Deux'

This is a super shady-ass part of town.

I swear that this photograph depicts what used
to be a REAL bar in the Cambridge area.

Gumie might be the only one of us who's ever
set foot in this fine establishment.

Let the guessing begin...

Results from the Sweet 16

The Northside of Cambridge Region

#1 Holiday Inn 51
#5 The Bear’s Den 64

Bracket Buster Alert: Snaggletooth’s Liar is closed!
Holiday Inn has gone the way of the Spirit Lounge and Deer Creek.
Does this mean that Snaggletooth is out roaming the streets of
Cambridge like a horny Will Smith in ‘I Am Legend’?

Actually, that movie title does kinda fit Snaggletooth.



#2 The Forum 79
#6 Muddy Miser 83

Ompah!

Why has it taken me so long to discover that the Forum
serves flaming cheese? I haven’t had flaming cheese since
Bert & I caught a case of it in Detroit's Greektown.

[Wow, that sounded dirty!]

But even still, The Forum was no match for Zanesville’s
home of fish & chips, taco salad and taxidermy.

Two days ago, I was sitting out on the Muddy Miser’s
patio and who should happen to sit next to me but…

Grooovin’ Larry Brill, baby!

The Eastside of Cambridge Region

#1 The Point 66
#4 Cozy Corner 46

Breaking news:
the Cozy Corner is now owned by a
member of the Ford family.

How awesome it that?

Let’s turn that motherfucker into
the Geno Ford Hall of Fame!

There could be Kent State memorabilia and
framed ill-fitting blue dress shirts on the wall.

Wednesday night could be ‘Mark Larson Night’:
people with lazy eyes get half priced Michelob Ultras.

And they could hang
Dustin memorabilia in the shitter.

Oh wait a minute, the Cozy Corner is not owned by
that Ford family; it’s owned by Richie’s uncle.

[Yikes!]


#3 Theo’s 74
#7 Courthouse Café 64

There are two things I love about Theo’s.

#1:
They have a great selection of Ohio beers.

#2:
Those beers are served by Lee Albaugh,
whose Cambridge City Courts nickname was
“Albaugh, no dick.”

The Southside of Cambridge Region


#1 The Long Branch 73
#5 Creekside Café 66

Nostalgia is always on the menu at the Long Branch.
Walking through the bar’s oddly angled doors is like
walking through a wood-paneled time machine.

Just entering the bar makes you feel like it’s circa 1988.

You’ve just gotten off shift at NCR.

You and your Indian engineer buddies
are itching for an ice cold Schiltz .

You then spend the entire evening bellied up to the bar,
talking about how Scotty Mack needs more touches
and how proud any father would be to have
Jay Maximo date their daughter.

And when the evening ends,
you stumble back to NCR to start
your morning shift; pausing on your
way to urinate on Bud’s Pub.


#2 Park Circle 56
#6 Doctor’s Lounge 51

Ever wonder where the name ‘Park Circle’ came from?
The bar is nowhere near a park, nor a cul-du-sac.

Maybe it's named after that circle you discover near your
“veritable forest” that you fear might be another flare
up of the dreaded McCracken?

I propose that the Park Circle changes its name
to the Justin Wells Café, the Ravak Shack,
or PJ’s House of Pints & Plungers.

Barrett Hill Road Region

#1 Shakers 67
#4 Buffalo Grill 71

Another Bracket Buster Alert: Shakers is closed!
Apparently, Wheeling Avenue’s finest nightclub
is under new management.

It’s now named ‘Gilbert Arenas.’

[Ok, so maybe it’s really named ‘The Arena.']

No word yet whether or not the new ownership
will allow Staceyclaus to come to town.


#2 Market House 50
#6 Deep Cut 53

The legend of Deep Cut’s deep fried
cheeseburger has reached mythic proportions.

I mean, fuck Bigfootkowski;
I’m a deep fried cheeseburger hunter!

And how exactly do you fry a cheeseburger?

Not to mention: why?

And if you can deep fry a cheeseburger,
why not deep fry a fish sandwich?

Hell, all you would need was some drunken
mofo to palm that motherfucker and dunk it
in the deep fryer like Bertquille O’Neal.

Barrett Hill Road Region Sweet 16

#1 Shakers versus #4 Buffalo Bar & Grill

The Match-up:

Here’s a great story about Shakers’s.
While at this year’s holiday ‘Staceyfest,’
I snuck downstairs to have a piss.
Above the urinal I saw an advertisement
for Shaker’s upcoming New Year’s Eve party,
which included a “very special guest.”
Any guesses?

No, not David Allen Chronic...

No, not a male stripper dressed as John Glenn...

Nope, not one of Tiger Hollins’ hoes...

Give up?

Shakers had booked the runner-up from
Rock of Love: Season Two.

Yeah, just think about THAT for a second.

That’s the skeezy biznitch
that Brett Michaels deemed too skanky to date!

What the Blogosphere says:

On discovertown.com, ladouche@arthistory.com wrote:

“Is the Buffalo Bar & Grill’s King Frouk named after
the undisputed king of the Redder family?”

#2 The Market House versus #6 Deep Cut

The Match-up:

The Market House’s interior design scheme
reminds me of the Excalibur Casino meets the Cabin.

That’s right, I’m talking about Seneca Vegas!

Tapestries hanging on the walls
like a Macaroni Salad painting,
people wear togas and other Medieval attire,
some clown blows a bugle, and flying buttresses
and Romanesque barrel butt vaults all over the place.

All the Excalibur is missing is
Peanut’s famous Charleston street poetry.

And wasn’t the Excalibur where some lady remarked
that Curly looked like Greg Louganis?

What the Blogosphere says:

On menupages.com, heyguys@wantsomegum.com wrote:

Deepcut sounds like 'backdoor cut.' As in,
it’s the fourth quarter against Barnesville.

You’re wide open on the baseline.

Your teammate delivers a picture-perfect,
Steve Nash bounce pass.

There’s nobody standing in-between you and
your first points of the season...

[Sigh!]”

What OU Assistant Coach & Junior High Band Director says:

“Sean, I like the way
you handle your trombone.
Please see me after class and
I’ll teach you how to play the
theme song from Rock of Love.”

Southside Region Sweet 16

#1 Long Branch versus #5 Creekside

The Match-up:

Long Branch continues its dominance as East Cambridge’s
version of Cheers. Come to think of it, how great would
Josh Redder & Sam Contaneza be as Norm & Cliff?
And Goob could be Woody to Bert’s Ted Danson.
And Gumie’s old main squeeze could be Carla.
Somebody call Jay Maximo’s Hollywood wannabe ass,
I’ve got a great idea for a sitcom!

Hmm…

Now all we need is somebody to play the part of the
wooden INDIAN that used to stand by the front door.

What the Blogosphere says:

On Ctown.com, curlyrunsthecity@nycmarathon.com wrote:

“To celebrate their first round victory,
Creekside set up a keg in the parking lot of
Dr. Green’s office and called it their
“Bier Garten.”

Free eye exams and Busch Heavy for everyone!

[Undercover Liquor Agents NOT INVITED!]”

“Get in the back of the squad car, McCracken!”

#2 Park Circle versus #6 Doctor’s Lounge


The Match-up:

Park Circle is a battering ram of a bar, slamming up
against your liver like Gumie’s dad leading the rest of the
Cambridge Fire Department as they brake into
a raging Kevin Hickman house party,
Backdraft-style!

Kurt Russell to Gumie Baldwin:

“Who’s your big brother, Brian?”

Cousin Kevin to Cambridge Police Department:

“We didn’t start the fffire…”

What the Blogosphere says:

On Pleasantcity.com, drunktank@stormville.com wrote:

“Doc's is like Club Fantasy: The Next Generation.
Worf always did kinda look like angry bouncer.
And who wouldn't totally pay Deanna Troi
for a Betazoid Lap-dance!”

What my favorite basketball
player of all time,
San Antonio Spurs Star
George Gervin, says:

“The Doctor’s Lounge
and Gentlemen’s Club
is NOT the Cinderella
of the tournament.
What Fairy Tale has a
pizza-munching,
lap-dancing princess?

Cinderella?

Doc's is more
like Jetiarella!”

Eastside Region Sweet 16

#1 The Point versus #4 Cozy Corner

The Match-up:

To celebrate their big first round upset,
the Cozy popped bottles of Boone's Farm,
duct-taped them to their hands,
donned their Hammer Pants,
and turned Jamboree Foods into
Jamboree in the (Ghetto) Hills.


What the Blogosphere says:

On Byesville.com, zeroforseven@nojump.com wrote:

“East Wheeling Avenue battles West Wheeling Avenue!
Two-for-One Steak Night battles Two-for-One Shank Night!
Park School battles Lincoln School!
This is like the frickin’ Karatebridge Kid,
with Gumie-san facing off against the Cobra Khan,
under the watchful eye of Sensei Art Clemens.

"Put him in a body bag, Jerome!"

#3 Theo’s versus #7 Courthouse Café

The Match-up:

It is a little known fact that within the original
Northwest Ordinance of 1787, it is explicitly stated that
there must be a bar no less than 50 feet from the entrance
to all municipal buildings. This explains why the new
municipal court is being built so close to The Point.
This law was designed by President Thomas Jefferson
to ease the pain of leather-pants-wearing-mofos
after they get “Judge Slapped” by the Hanging Judge.

"Nice shot Dustin!"

What the Blogosphere says:

On chow.com, kneehighsocks@recspecs.com wrote:

“The ‘Courthouse Café?’
Wasn’t that slang for getting late-night
Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers from Wendy's,
eating them on the benches in front of the Courthouse,
and then throwing our trash in Gene’s shitty little lawn?”


What Shawn Kemp says:

“I’m like a black Bill Brasky.
I’ve sired a baseball team,
the Southeastern Ohio Symphony
if you count the bastards!”

Northside Region Sweet 16

#1 Holiday Inn Bar versus #5 Bear’s Den

The Match-up:

Deep in the heart of Old Washington,
archeologists have discovered an iconic totem
pole sculpture of the Great Drunken Bear God
that was once worshipped by a primitive
Native American Indian tribe named the
Jamboreeans in the Hilleans.
These peaceful pooch-hunters & gatherers
were known for trading beads and beaver pelts
for NASCAR tee-shirts, jean shorts, and chaw.

[I just said ‘beaver pelts’… snicker, snicker]


What the Blogosphere says:

On yelp.com, brokenknee@architects.com wrote:

“How? Kemosabe.
Me Jamboreean in the Hilleans Big Chief.
Me smoke ’em the peace pipe
with other Injun Warriors
in the parking lot of Hardee’s.”

#2 The Forum versus #6 Muddy Miser

The Match-up:

Last time I was boozing at the Forum,
I was seated at the bar surrounded by a pre-party for the
Cambridge Junior High School’s Sweetheart’s Dance.
The Sweetheart’s Dance is like an 8th Grade Prom.
This only made me feel slightly creepy in a
Lawrence Taylor kind of way.
But hey, Jason Seckman was there, too!

“Hello ladies, how’s Ohio History?
Is that pimp John Ritter-mofo Mr. Gibson
still throwing game at Billie Lewis’ fine Bea Arthur ass?”

What the Blogosphere says:

On savorycity.com, amish@whatsyourbrasize.com wrote:

“The Muddy Miser’s back porch overlooks
the Muskingum River. That river is so brown
it looks like a tributary of Seneca Lake
after that frickin’ guy in the Mohawk
goes brown trout fishing.”


What former West Virginian Mountaineer Power Forward,
Kevin Pittsnogle, says:

“A Prom for 8th Graders?
Par-TAY!
Ladies, in Morgantown,
people call me
Kevin Poonnogle!”