Why I Love The Park Circle

It was the hottest day of the summer when I pulled out
of the driveway and headed to the Park Circle.

I mean, it was hotter than Emily out.

The thermostat in the car recorded 97 degrees.

My ‘Peas on Earth’ tee-shirt was soaked with sweat,
and my mustache was dripping with saline & White Russian Milk.

I was afraid that my State Ring might melt to the steering wheel.

But heat or no heat, I was not to be denied.

I was as determined as Tommy Lloyd to play #1 seed to get
Bobcat-faced on the Park Circle’s new outdoor patio.

That’s right, I said: the Park Circle has expanded!

There hasn’t been this much excitement in Cambridge
since Mayor Schaub donned a dress like frickin'
Mrs. Doubtfire and tried to blow Gumie’s dad!

[Actual, doesn’t ‘Mayor Schaub’ sound like a
great name for a Milwaukee-style beer?]

Mayor Schaub:
The Beer That Made Cambridge Famous!

But back to the Pride of East Cambridge...

The Park Circle’s expansion has Cambridge buzzing with
more excitement than Gumie at a Star Trek Convention,
whose theme is ‘The Cats of Deep Space Nine,’ or
Bert getting bra sizes at the 15 Year Reunion.

[“Whoa, Missy, you’re still a C Cup?”]

But before I get too carried away with
comparisons, here are some ‘Before & After’ photos:

[I’m talking about the Park Circle’s patio, not of
Gumie surrounded by Jadzia Dax lookalike pussy cats!]


Before:

Notice how small and crappy the bar looks.

Who needs windows, right?

I mean, the Alamo had more windows than the Park Circle!

And now gaze upon the ‘After’ photograph.


After:

Now, the Park Circle looks like a small,
crappy bar…with a patio!

Par-TAY!

And take a closer look at the photograph,
see anything odd:

Yup, that’s a Cambridge Taxi parked directly in front of the bar.

And what you can’t see is that on the door is written:
“Cambridge Taxi: Cambridge’s Designated Driver.”

Hmm…

It’s 5:30 on a Friday afternoon,
and I don’t think that Taxi Driver is
in the Park Circle picking anybody up.

The Park Circle: New Management, New Patio,
Same Old Sketchy East Cambridge Clientele!

And while the exterior has changed,
the Park Circle’s inside still looks like it
did when we would go there to enjoy
.99 cent PBRs in a frosty mug.

The PBR is gone, but the sign over the bar is still there that reads;
“Keep the ‘F’ word to yourself, or you may be asked to leave."

How classy is that?

I mean, there’s no way that Bert’s emails would
be allowed to drink in the Park Circle.

And don’t be too fucking pissed off that the fucking Park Circle
no longer has fucking PB fucking R on tap, they do stock
another hand-to-find Milwaukee bar:

Blatz, baby!

Rumor around town is that a number of architecture
firms actually bid on building the Park Circle’s patio.

One of these bidders was a highly
esteemed architectural firm from Boston.

According to the rumor that I heard at Bud’s Pub,
this architectural firm planned to completely
redesign the patio to resemble the outdoor
pavilion of a Seneca Lake Cabin.

There would be an outhouse,
Macaroni Salad artwork, and a place
for Corey Moore to drunkenly face-plant
midway through Barry Davis’ new band’s
killer rendition of ‘Don’t Fear the Reaper.’

[Or was the name of that song: “Don’t Fear the Leaper?”]

According to the old drunk next to me
at Bud’s Pub, this Boston architectural
firm had won the competition, and the
plans were almost finalized.

All that was left to do was to dot the ‘I’s,
cross the ‘T’s, and scar the noses.

But at the last minute, the Davis Architecture Group burst
into the room like the fucking Kool-Aid Man and
‘Koolhas-slapped’ those bitch-asses back to Boston!

OH SNAP!

You just got KOOLHAS-SLAPPED!

What President Barack Obama
Says About The Park Circle:

“Alaskan Julie?”

That fish-smelling Ho got
KOOLHAS-SLAPPED
all the way back to Wasilla!