Results from the Sweet 16

The Northside of Cambridge Region

#1 Holiday Inn 51
#5 The Bear’s Den 64

Bracket Buster Alert: Snaggletooth’s Liar is closed!
Holiday Inn has gone the way of the Spirit Lounge and Deer Creek.
Does this mean that Snaggletooth is out roaming the streets of
Cambridge like a horny Will Smith in ‘I Am Legend’?

Actually, that movie title does kinda fit Snaggletooth.



#2 The Forum 79
#6 Muddy Miser 83

Ompah!

Why has it taken me so long to discover that the Forum
serves flaming cheese? I haven’t had flaming cheese since
Bert & I caught a case of it in Detroit's Greektown.

[Wow, that sounded dirty!]

But even still, The Forum was no match for Zanesville’s
home of fish & chips, taco salad and taxidermy.

Two days ago, I was sitting out on the Muddy Miser’s
patio and who should happen to sit next to me but…

Grooovin’ Larry Brill, baby!

The Eastside of Cambridge Region

#1 The Point 66
#4 Cozy Corner 46

Breaking news:
the Cozy Corner is now owned by a
member of the Ford family.

How awesome it that?

Let’s turn that motherfucker into
the Geno Ford Hall of Fame!

There could be Kent State memorabilia and
framed ill-fitting blue dress shirts on the wall.

Wednesday night could be ‘Mark Larson Night’:
people with lazy eyes get half priced Michelob Ultras.

And they could hang
Dustin memorabilia in the shitter.

Oh wait a minute, the Cozy Corner is not owned by
that Ford family; it’s owned by Richie’s uncle.

[Yikes!]


#3 Theo’s 74
#7 Courthouse Café 64

There are two things I love about Theo’s.

#1:
They have a great selection of Ohio beers.

#2:
Those beers are served by Lee Albaugh,
whose Cambridge City Courts nickname was
“Albaugh, no dick.”

The Southside of Cambridge Region


#1 The Long Branch 73
#5 Creekside Café 66

Nostalgia is always on the menu at the Long Branch.
Walking through the bar’s oddly angled doors is like
walking through a wood-paneled time machine.

Just entering the bar makes you feel like it’s circa 1988.

You’ve just gotten off shift at NCR.

You and your Indian engineer buddies
are itching for an ice cold Schiltz .

You then spend the entire evening bellied up to the bar,
talking about how Scotty Mack needs more touches
and how proud any father would be to have
Jay Maximo date their daughter.

And when the evening ends,
you stumble back to NCR to start
your morning shift; pausing on your
way to urinate on Bud’s Pub.


#2 Park Circle 56
#6 Doctor’s Lounge 51

Ever wonder where the name ‘Park Circle’ came from?
The bar is nowhere near a park, nor a cul-du-sac.

Maybe it's named after that circle you discover near your
“veritable forest” that you fear might be another flare
up of the dreaded McCracken?

I propose that the Park Circle changes its name
to the Justin Wells Café, the Ravak Shack,
or PJ’s House of Pints & Plungers.

Barrett Hill Road Region

#1 Shakers 67
#4 Buffalo Grill 71

Another Bracket Buster Alert: Shakers is closed!
Apparently, Wheeling Avenue’s finest nightclub
is under new management.

It’s now named ‘Gilbert Arenas.’

[Ok, so maybe it’s really named ‘The Arena.']

No word yet whether or not the new ownership
will allow Staceyclaus to come to town.


#2 Market House 50
#6 Deep Cut 53

The legend of Deep Cut’s deep fried
cheeseburger has reached mythic proportions.

I mean, fuck Bigfootkowski;
I’m a deep fried cheeseburger hunter!

And how exactly do you fry a cheeseburger?

Not to mention: why?

And if you can deep fry a cheeseburger,
why not deep fry a fish sandwich?

Hell, all you would need was some drunken
mofo to palm that motherfucker and dunk it
in the deep fryer like Bertquille O’Neal.