Two points of clarification before the Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket begins

First, you might be wondering how I intend to score each match-up. Well, I’ve devised a complex mathematical equation, factoring in drink selection, food menu, paraphernalia, clientele, and what I like to call the “Ben Roethlisberger X Factor.” [You stay classy, Mulletsburgh!]

In addition to this equation, I intend to add an additional 42 points [my old High School Basketball number] for any bar that displays Cambridge memorabilia.

On the other hand, any bar that displays Meadowbrook memorabilia, I intend to subtract 42 points. (But this subtraction will not be applied if the Meadowbrook memorabilia in question is defaced with fecal matter!)

So, to illustrate this scoring method, just imagine that a new bar opens on N. 11th Street named ‘Jetia’s Jazz Club and Carwash.’ An imaginary scorecard for such a bar might read like this:

Drink Selection:

White Russians made with real Catmilk = + 20 points

Woodchuck Cider instead of St. Ides Special Brew = -5 points

“Taj 45” instead of Kingfisher = -10 points

Byesville “Brown Ale” instead of Brooklyn Lager = -50 points

Amish Bathtub Absinthe instead of Pernod = -75 points

Zima = + 1,000 points


Food Menu:

Fish sandwich (palm size) = + 10 points

Fish sandwich (non-palm size) = -10 points

Wally’s Pizza = + 50 points

Wally’s Pizza delivered across a State Line by a truck-driver = -100 points

Jambalaya (Coop’s Place recipe) = + 60 points

Jambalaya (Poop Perkins’ recipe) = -60 points


Paraphernalia:

Neon PBR sign = + 100 points

“Don’t Leave Children Unattended” Sign in the Shitter = + 30 points

Macaroni Painting = -20 points

Untouchable Glass Cane = -10 points

Framed, crusty picture of William Shatner in a speedo = -50 points


Clientele:

Accountants = 0 to + 2 points (depending on volume and facial hair)

Amish people with real Amish beards = + 10 points

Amish people with real Amish mustaches = + 100 points

Art Preparitors wearing a Sebastian Bach tee-shirt = -50 points

A sketchy guy with red teeth selling paan by the backdoor = + 30 points


Ben Roethlisberger X Factor:

Female bartender with a belly button-ring = + 100 points

Male bartender with a belly button-ring = [Yuck] –1,000 points


Final Tally:

Umm…

Carry the five…

Subtract the remainder…

Multiply by infinity & Emmit Smith…

FUCK IT!

There was a reason why I wasn’t the fourth valedictorian of Cambridge High School’s graduating class of 1995!

To make things easier, I’ll just make some shit up for each bar. OK?

The second point that needs clarification is that some of the bars that are being considered for the Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket no longer exist.

R.I.P… The Spot

Splash, Splash, Splash…

[That was the sound of me pouring some of my St. Ides Special Brew onto the pavement of Mr. G’s parking lot]

But just because these classic Cambridge establishments no longer exist, doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be included on the Bracket.

Just give me a minute and I’ll pimp out the Hoopty Van like Xzibit…

I’ll just break this bucketseat…

Put this mini-frig in the back…

Crack a few eggs underneath the window…

And check the specs on the end, for the rotary, girder…

And Hoila!

I just made the Hoopty Van into a Marty McFly time-traveling DeLorean!

Sorry, Doc Brown, I’m not here to save your Walt Brunning-wannabe-ass from Tescan and his sketchy Libyan friends.

I’m going back in time to be straight chillin’ at the Holiday INNNNNN!