The Eastside of Cambridge Region

#1 The Point versus #8 The Spot

The Match-up:

Like Kansas, The Point comes into the Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket
as the number one overall seed. And if The Point is Kansas, what does
that make The Spot? Lehigh? (Don’t you mean LeeGro?)

What the Blogosphere says:

On Byesville.citysearch.com, zeroforseven@nojump.com wrote:

“Look for The Point to be ‘on point’
and put a 'Two for One' beat-down on
Dave’s Elegant Crunk & Stuff”

#4 Cozy Corner versus #5 Chances

The Match-up:

Another great #4 versus #5 match-up as Sketchy battles Sleazy.
The Cozy is under new MGMT, and to its credit, no one has been
killed there in years. Still though, entering the Cozy is like entering the
frickin’ Thunderdome. Just imagine Tina Turner-Hollins screeching,
“Two Bobcats Enter; One Bobcat Leaves!”
Chances is considered the Ibiza Dance Club
of Zanesville’s Sunrise Center.

What the Blogosphere says:

On menutopia.com, chessy@herekittykitty.com wrote:

“Chances? You want to talk about taking chances?
Just walk into the Cozy wearing a “Peas on Earth” tee-shirt!”

#3 Theo’s versus #6 Cheyenne’s

The Match-up:

Theo’s is as respectable as a member of the Huxtable family,
while Cheyenne’s was a tremendous STD of a bar.
Theo’s is a cornerstone of Cambridge’s Dickens Victorian Village.
So far, the Dickens Village Organizing Committee has yet to agree
to installing the “Big Chief Sweaty Drunken Face”
sculpture that has been proposed for the site where
Cheyenne’s once stood. According to the
preliminary drawings, this sculpture would look like
a cross between a drunken Lil’ Jon, Robert Parish in drag,
and a member of the Payton family.

What the Blogosphere says:

On chow.com, kneehighsocks@recspecs.com wrote:

“Shy Ann? Shhh, just let the Biology happen, baby… [Sigh]”

#2 BW 3s versus #7 Courthouse Cafe

The Match-up:

A surprise #2 seed, the social hub of Zanesville’s Maple Avenue is
a cornucopia of karaoke. Sports-lovers pound “panther piss”
[aka American Light Beer] and chow hotwings under the
watchful eye of a photograph of a local basketball team
that advanced all the way to the 1995 State Tournament.
Unfortunately, this photograph is of the victorious
Division I Zanesville Blue Devils;
not the Division II runner-up Cambridge Bobcats,
who got spanked by Cleveland
Villa Angelo Tonio Saint Cunningham.

What the Blogosphere says:

On tripadvisor.com, run@bestwestern.com wrote:

“Courthouse Café?
Jerome & I used to come here to steal porno mags!
This place should be called ‘Cambridge News & Booze!”

Clark Kellogg says:

“This is the most dangerous
Region in the entire
tournament, and I’m not
just talking about upsets.
Cozy Corner, The Spot,
and Cheyenne’s could all
assault a curly-haired punk
mofo for not contributing
a quarter to Judge Silk Panties’
reelection campaign.
If they watch their back,
The Point should have
the easiest road to the Final
Four of any number one seed.”

Oliver Miller says:

“Two-for-One Steak Night?
More like, Four-for-Me Steak Night!”

The Northside Region

#1 Holiday Inn Bar versus #8 The Elk’s Club

The Match-up:

Snaggletooth’s Liar is a heavy favorite against Cambridge’s version
of the Buena Vista Social Club. Picking an upset in this first round match-up
would be the equivalent of the song I once heard a West Virginia stripper
serenade a truck-driver with at the Holiday Inn;
“Crazy… Crazy about feeling this wayyyyy…”
[“Hey, you in the Wolf Shirt over there by the pool table, stop laughing!”]

What the Blogosphere says:

On yelp.com, brokenknee@architects.com wrote:

“Look for the Elk’s to get smashed like a bathroom mirror at a Xmas party.”

#4 Roland’s Hi Li versus #5 The Bear’s Den

The Match-up:

This could be the best first round match-up of the entire tournament.
Roland’s Hi Li is like a Milwaukee bar straight out of “Lavern & Curly.”
“Schlemeil, schlimazel, hasenCOLTS incorportated.”
The Bear’s Den, also known as “Paul Bunyan’s Favorite Bar,”
celebrates the Lumberjack Festival like it was a plaid, grizzled Mardi Gras.
The Beast of Byesville battles the Wolf of Old Washington!
This is going to be a brawl!
Let the best mullet win.


What the Blogosphere says:

On Cambridge.citysearch.com, ankle@cheapasstextbooks.com wrote:

“After a long night of drinking Schlitz’s and Blatz’s at Roland’s… Splatz!
[If you look closely at the photo, there’s a pool of vomit near the backdoor.
You stay classy, Bile-sville!]

#3 Ruby Tuesday’s versus #6 Muddy Miser

The Match-up:

Ruby Tuesday’s might be Cambridge’s most elegant interior;
it’s tastefully decorated, with snug booths, and a plethora of natural light
(but it does not serve Natural Lite.) But the one thing that Ruby Tuesday’s
lacks is taxidermy. The same cannot be said for the Muddy Miser;
its new backroom must have the most gigantic moosehead this side of Saskatchewan.

What the Blogosphere says:

On urbanspoon.com, varm@specialteams.com wrote:

“Muddy Misers? Are architects going to start doing mudslides?
Muddy bungholes are most definitely not suuuper!”





#2 The Forum versus #7 The East End Tavern

The Match-up:

The Forum is the crown jewel of Southgate Parkway.
Deercreek, Rax, and the Dutch Pantry have all disappeared
like a Junior High Bank Teacher on the run (or gimp),
but the Forum has stood the test of time. And speaking of standing
the test of time, it looks like Ebenezer Zane built The East End Tavern
while Jesus was still wearing gold-plated diapers. Quite possibly the greatest
thing about this old, free-standing brick bar is that it directly faces the
entrance to Greenwood Cemetery. Thus any ‘waiting around to die’ old drunks
can stare longing at the cemetery gates like they were
Megan Fox in a tight tank-top.

What the Blogosphere says:

On savorycities.com, amishbart@whatsyourbrasize.com wrote:

“What ever happened to Ted’s Tivoli Palace?
Did Ted’s guido ass get deported back to Tivoli?
And what kind of frickin’ Italian name is ‘Ted’ anyway?”

What Dick Vitale says:

“This Region is the Battle of Southgate Parkway. Holiday Inn, Ruby Tuesday, and the Forum all have legitimate chances of making the Final Four. Southgate Parkway hasn’t seen this much action since Wendy’s Drive-Thru started staying open until midnight! Look for Roland’s Hi Li to dance into the Final Four like it was doing the Broken Knee Shuffle at a wedding at the Pritchard Laughlin, baby!”

Two points of clarification before the Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket begins

First, you might be wondering how I intend to score each match-up. Well, I’ve devised a complex mathematical equation, factoring in drink selection, food menu, paraphernalia, clientele, and what I like to call the “Ben Roethlisberger X Factor.” [You stay classy, Mulletsburgh!]

In addition to this equation, I intend to add an additional 42 points [my old High School Basketball number] for any bar that displays Cambridge memorabilia.

On the other hand, any bar that displays Meadowbrook memorabilia, I intend to subtract 42 points. (But this subtraction will not be applied if the Meadowbrook memorabilia in question is defaced with fecal matter!)

So, to illustrate this scoring method, just imagine that a new bar opens on N. 11th Street named ‘Jetia’s Jazz Club and Carwash.’ An imaginary scorecard for such a bar might read like this:

Drink Selection:

White Russians made with real Catmilk = + 20 points

Woodchuck Cider instead of St. Ides Special Brew = -5 points

“Taj 45” instead of Kingfisher = -10 points

Byesville “Brown Ale” instead of Brooklyn Lager = -50 points

Amish Bathtub Absinthe instead of Pernod = -75 points

Zima = + 1,000 points


Food Menu:

Fish sandwich (palm size) = + 10 points

Fish sandwich (non-palm size) = -10 points

Wally’s Pizza = + 50 points

Wally’s Pizza delivered across a State Line by a truck-driver = -100 points

Jambalaya (Coop’s Place recipe) = + 60 points

Jambalaya (Poop Perkins’ recipe) = -60 points


Paraphernalia:

Neon PBR sign = + 100 points

“Don’t Leave Children Unattended” Sign in the Shitter = + 30 points

Macaroni Painting = -20 points

Untouchable Glass Cane = -10 points

Framed, crusty picture of William Shatner in a speedo = -50 points


Clientele:

Accountants = 0 to + 2 points (depending on volume and facial hair)

Amish people with real Amish beards = + 10 points

Amish people with real Amish mustaches = + 100 points

Art Preparitors wearing a Sebastian Bach tee-shirt = -50 points

A sketchy guy with red teeth selling paan by the backdoor = + 30 points


Ben Roethlisberger X Factor:

Female bartender with a belly button-ring = + 100 points

Male bartender with a belly button-ring = [Yuck] –1,000 points


Final Tally:

Umm…

Carry the five…

Subtract the remainder…

Multiply by infinity & Emmit Smith…

FUCK IT!

There was a reason why I wasn’t the fourth valedictorian of Cambridge High School’s graduating class of 1995!

To make things easier, I’ll just make some shit up for each bar. OK?

The second point that needs clarification is that some of the bars that are being considered for the Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket no longer exist.

R.I.P… The Spot

Splash, Splash, Splash…

[That was the sound of me pouring some of my St. Ides Special Brew onto the pavement of Mr. G’s parking lot]

But just because these classic Cambridge establishments no longer exist, doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be included on the Bracket.

Just give me a minute and I’ll pimp out the Hoopty Van like Xzibit…

I’ll just break this bucketseat…

Put this mini-frig in the back…

Crack a few eggs underneath the window…

And check the specs on the end, for the rotary, girder…

And Hoila!

I just made the Hoopty Van into a Marty McFly time-traveling DeLorean!

Sorry, Doc Brown, I’m not here to save your Walt Brunning-wannabe-ass from Tescan and his sketchy Libyan friends.

I’m going back in time to be straight chillin’ at the Holiday INNNNNN!

The Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket

My return to Southeastern Ohio has generated a tremendous amount of questions within the community; questions like, ‘How long are you back in town?’ and, ‘When did you get home?’

In fact, just the other day, while I was exercising [read: doing squat thrusts with my shirt off] in the Cambridge City Park, two different people stopped me and asked if I was Shia Labeouf. And then the next day, while shopping in the gift shop of the Hop-a-long Cassidy Museum, a family asked me if I knew how to get to Main Street Smorgasbord. [I answered “Yes” to both questions.]

But without a doubt, the two most frequent questions people in Cambridge ask me are:

#1 - “After enjoying a perfect night of shooting, going 8 for 8 from the field and 3 for 3 from the foul line, for 19 points and 11 rebounds against St. Clairsville, why didn’t Gene play you at all the next game; was it because you brought a gun into the locker room to play a prank on a teammate and ended up threatening to shoot him in his recently injured knee?”

And

#2 - “What’s the best bar in Southeastern Ohio?”

Answering to the first question is easy; much like Lil’ Wayne, (no relation to Big Wayne) I often “keep a pistol on my side and you don’t want to hear that thing talk.”

But answering the second question proves to be more complicated than solving a Mr. Pedretti math equation.

To answer this question, I’ve created the Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket.

Much like the NCAA tournament, the Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket is a head-to-head competition between elite institutions that deftly combine higher education, athletic prowess, and Mich Ultra.

This Sunday, I’ll select 32 bars in Southeastern Ohio, rank them, photograph them, and create a tournament bracket format.

Over the course of the next month, I’ll endeavor to get “bobcatfaced” at every one of these 32 bars.

At the end of the month, I’ll crown a winner, and I’ll do something extra special for whichever bar wins.

NO, I’M NOT GOING TO EGG IT!

Instead of “the hen’s High-five,” the winning bar can expect a visit by a certain member of the 1995 Cambridge State Runner-Up Basketball Team… wearing knee-high socks and Rec Specs.

[And photo-proof will be provided]