Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket Honorable Mentions (Part III):

Most Impressive Selection of Ohio Beers:

Theo’s
(Columbus Pale Ale, Cleveland’s
Great Lakes Eliot Ness, & Akron’s Thirsty Dog)



Bar Name that Most Reminds Me of Mikeways:

Ye Olde Falls Inn in Zanesville



Best Hanging Taxidermy:

The Muddy Misers

Best Non-Hanging Taxidermy:

The Chronic’s Den

Most Awesome Thing to Say about Creekside Cafe:

“I had my first date there!”

[Technically it was still Brighton’s Ice Cream Parlor,
where Cassie & I shared a delightful dinner.
Jetia & I never really went on “dates”]



Best Shitter:

The Holiday Inn



Best Shitter for Ankle to Trash
on Bert’s Birthday Bar Crawl:

The Long Branch



Strangest Food Item on Any Menu
in Southeastern Ohio:

$1.50 Goose Liver Sandwich at Terry’s Tavern in Zanesville




Best Food Special Now That the Spirit Lounge
No Longer Offers $2 Creamed Chicken
Sandwich Wednesday Nights:

The Park Circle’s .45 cent wings and
$1.00 Draft Beers on Thursday Night



Best NBA paraphernalia:

The autographed Kevin Martin jersey
and the decorative Houston Rockets
Terrible Towel in Terry’s Tavern in Zanesville

[Terrible Towel?

I thought that was Yao Ming’s Spunk Rag?]

Gumie’s Original Aurora:

The Long Branch



Cambridge Bar That Would Be Filled with
Annoying Hipsters If It Were Located
in Williamsburg, Brooklyn:

Bud’s Pub



Last NYCtown Bar:

Habana Outpost in Fort Greene



Best Story from the Last NYCtown:

The King of Dubai’s bankrolling
Ethan and Ari’s move to Miami



Best Text Sent to Bert While Chronic & I
were getting ‘State-Faced’ at the
Geisen Haus in North Canton:

“We’re hammered and heading towards Berlin.
Can’t wait to meet Alex & Kelly, Jr.”



Worst Mental Image Discussed While
Chronic & I were getting ‘State-Faced’
at the Geisen Haus in North Canton:

Zydrunas Ilgauskas taking his “talents” to
South Beach in a Lithuanian Flag speedo



Most Iconic Food Item in Old Washington:

Deep Cut’s Deep Fried Hamburger

Most Iconic Food Item in Byesville:

Buffalo Bar & Grill’s King Frouk



Most Iconic Food Item in Cambridge:

Theo’s Famous Coney Island Hot Dog for $1.25
[Grated Cheddar cheese, cole slaw,
or extra sauce .25 cents each]



Best Bar View of Any Bar in Southeastern Ohio:

The back patio overlooking the Muskingum River
at Terry’s Tavern in Zanesville

Worst Bar View:

The gigantic pair of skanky thighs that Gumie & I
recently saw upon walking into the Park Circle



Best Comparison that I wasn’t able to use on the Blog:

Theo’s is to the CPAC Theater what NYC’s
Russian Tea Room is to Carnegie Hall.

Worst Comparison that I wasn’t able to use on the Blog:

Creekside Café is like Quark’s bar on the
Promenade of Deep Space Nine, where
Ferengi used to sell Rum and Slugo-Cola.



Best Bar Memorabilia Involving a Character from Star Trek:

Drunken Spock at the Weasel Boy Brewery in Zanesville

Name That Shithole (Part IV)

Alright, I've saved the best for last.

If I remember correctly, all of us (excluding Bert)
have set foot in this fine Guernsey County establishment.

And if you squint, you can see that in the photograph
there's a stuffed gorilla in a baby carriage.

Wow, I found that to be VERY ironic!

Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket Honorable Mentions (Part II)

Best Munchies
(according to Groooovin’ Larry):

Fish & Chips at the Muddy Miser

Funniest Mental Image from the Market House Inn:

The NCR-made bartending machine sticking his
robotic balls in Gumie’s Sapphire Martini



Best Bar to See New Cambridge High School
Varsity Basketball Coach, Mike Andrews,
Sneaking into at 2:00 am:

Shakers Nite Club



Greatest Thing About the Old Holiday Inn Bar:

Seeing Gumie Wear Snaggletooth’s
Confederate Flag Panties like a Bandana



Best Memory from the Silver Eagle:

Me and E. Wayne Earp getting a free PBR
from bartender Kevin Hickman



Weirdest Memory from the Silver Eagle:

The time some sketchball challenged me to a
fight in the parking lot for staring at him



Stupidest Thing I Did During the
Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket:

Walk across the railroad bridge behind
the Muddy Miser while Bobcat-faced

Best Joke about Old Washington:

The Union Army “Sneadgered” Morgan’s Raiders
like that were Ethan playing center in an
8th Grade Basketball game



Best Place to Buy Alcohol
Near New Concord:

The Cooler; you gotta love a place where
you can get your boat repaired and
buy a twelve pack of Natty Light.



Best Architectural Flourish
of Any Bar in Southeastern Ohio:

The Rocking Horse’s New Orleans-like balconies



Worst Architectural Flourish
of Any Bar in Southeastern Ohio:

Every revolting inch of Howdy’s Tavern



Gayest Architectural Flourish
of Any Bar in Southeastern Ohio:

[Insert Your Own Kent State Joke Here]

Why I Love The Park Circle

It was the hottest day of the summer when I pulled out
of the driveway and headed to the Park Circle.

I mean, it was hotter than Emily out.

The thermostat in the car recorded 97 degrees.

My ‘Peas on Earth’ tee-shirt was soaked with sweat,
and my mustache was dripping with saline & White Russian Milk.

I was afraid that my State Ring might melt to the steering wheel.

But heat or no heat, I was not to be denied.

I was as determined as Tommy Lloyd to play #1 seed to get
Bobcat-faced on the Park Circle’s new outdoor patio.

That’s right, I said: the Park Circle has expanded!

There hasn’t been this much excitement in Cambridge
since Mayor Schaub donned a dress like frickin'
Mrs. Doubtfire and tried to blow Gumie’s dad!

[Actual, doesn’t ‘Mayor Schaub’ sound like a
great name for a Milwaukee-style beer?]

Mayor Schaub:
The Beer That Made Cambridge Famous!

But back to the Pride of East Cambridge...

The Park Circle’s expansion has Cambridge buzzing with
more excitement than Gumie at a Star Trek Convention,
whose theme is ‘The Cats of Deep Space Nine,’ or
Bert getting bra sizes at the 15 Year Reunion.

[“Whoa, Missy, you’re still a C Cup?”]

But before I get too carried away with
comparisons, here are some ‘Before & After’ photos:

[I’m talking about the Park Circle’s patio, not of
Gumie surrounded by Jadzia Dax lookalike pussy cats!]


Before:

Notice how small and crappy the bar looks.

Who needs windows, right?

I mean, the Alamo had more windows than the Park Circle!

And now gaze upon the ‘After’ photograph.


After:

Now, the Park Circle looks like a small,
crappy bar…with a patio!

Par-TAY!

And take a closer look at the photograph,
see anything odd:

Yup, that’s a Cambridge Taxi parked directly in front of the bar.

And what you can’t see is that on the door is written:
“Cambridge Taxi: Cambridge’s Designated Driver.”

Hmm…

It’s 5:30 on a Friday afternoon,
and I don’t think that Taxi Driver is
in the Park Circle picking anybody up.

The Park Circle: New Management, New Patio,
Same Old Sketchy East Cambridge Clientele!

And while the exterior has changed,
the Park Circle’s inside still looks like it
did when we would go there to enjoy
.99 cent PBRs in a frosty mug.

The PBR is gone, but the sign over the bar is still there that reads;
“Keep the ‘F’ word to yourself, or you may be asked to leave."

How classy is that?

I mean, there’s no way that Bert’s emails would
be allowed to drink in the Park Circle.

And don’t be too fucking pissed off that the fucking Park Circle
no longer has fucking PB fucking R on tap, they do stock
another hand-to-find Milwaukee bar:

Blatz, baby!

Rumor around town is that a number of architecture
firms actually bid on building the Park Circle’s patio.

One of these bidders was a highly
esteemed architectural firm from Boston.

According to the rumor that I heard at Bud’s Pub,
this architectural firm planned to completely
redesign the patio to resemble the outdoor
pavilion of a Seneca Lake Cabin.

There would be an outhouse,
Macaroni Salad artwork, and a place
for Corey Moore to drunkenly face-plant
midway through Barry Davis’ new band’s
killer rendition of ‘Don’t Fear the Reaper.’

[Or was the name of that song: “Don’t Fear the Leaper?”]

According to the old drunk next to me
at Bud’s Pub, this Boston architectural
firm had won the competition, and the
plans were almost finalized.

All that was left to do was to dot the ‘I’s,
cross the ‘T’s, and scar the noses.

But at the last minute, the Davis Architecture Group burst
into the room like the fucking Kool-Aid Man and
‘Koolhas-slapped’ those bitch-asses back to Boston!

OH SNAP!

You just got KOOLHAS-SLAPPED!

What President Barack Obama
Says About The Park Circle:

“Alaskan Julie?”

That fish-smelling Ho got
KOOLHAS-SLAPPED
all the way back to Wasilla!

Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket Honorable Mentions (Part I)

Best Joke from the Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket:

“Isaiah, the Bear’s Den wooden totem pole just called you a nigger!”

Best Framed Photograph:

Sure, every bar in the area has a framed photograph of Dom Capers,
but only Roland’s Hi Li has a framed photograph of some
Byesville homo shaking hands with Ronald Reagan



Best Joke Referencing the Long Branch’s
Theme of a Western Saloon:

“E. Wayne Earp is my friend… I’m your Berryhuckle!”



Hardest Bar to Find Even Though It Has Three
Rural Highway Signs in Front of It:

Crossroads Tavern

Weirdest Thing Ever Said to
Dom Capers at the Muddy Misers:

“Will you autograph my wall-hanging trout sculpture?”



Best Beer on Any Menu in Southeastern Ohio:

Abita Turbodog at Ruby Tuesday’s



Worst Beer on Any Menu in Southeastern Ohio:

Pond Ale at the Jackson Park Pub

Name That Shithole (Part 3)

Alright, here's a hint for Name That Shithole (Part 3):
This is the closest bar to what was The Frosty Treat.

I wasn't aware until I ventured down to snap some pictures
that this INfamous Cambridge establishment is
surrounded on all four sides by factories.

How sketchy is THAT?

I mean, this Shithole feels like a bar that Axl Foley
might frequent in 'Cambridge Hills Cop'

Let the guessing begin...

Why I Love the Buffalo Bar & Grill

This post could be subtitled: ‘Why I Don’t Love Roland’s Hi Li.’

Or it could be subtitled: ‘The Battle of Byesville.’

Or: ‘Turner vs Turner.’

[That sounds like a cross between ‘Spy vs Spy’ and the WWF plot
where Hulk Hogan and Randy ‘the Macho Man’ Savage team up,
with Julie playing the role of Wendy, and with Tut prowling
ringside like an angry, black Mr. Fuji]

Going into the Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket, I had heard
lots of rumors about how Roland Hi Li was the best
bar in the Rolling Hills school district.

I had also heard rumors of how ‘Chop’ Broom & Gus Smalley
roll into Roland’s like Eddie Murphy & Richard Pryor
in the movie ‘Harlem Nights.’

“Is you disrespectin’ Chop?”

I knew of Roland’s three pool tables and of their
signature cocktail, nicknamed ‘Meadowbrook Milk.’

While Roland’s bartenders keep the recipe for this famous drink
top-secret, I’m pretty sure that it’s just Gin & Diet Pepsi.

After sampling ‘Meadowbrook Milk’ for the first time,
Gumie declared the drink better than Firewater
with a Zima chaser, and then offered to buy the bar.

[Roland’s IS for sale!]

But to be honest, the Buffalo Bar and Grill makes Roland’s
look like drinking Mad Dog 20/20 in the shitter at halftime
of a Meadowbrook vs Cambridge football game.

To begin with, Buffalo Bar and Grill is gigantic!

It has three huge rooms, and a back bar that’s only open
on weekends and/or for Meadowbrook High School reunions.

Typical Meadowbrook High School Reunion Question:

“When did you get out of da joint, Darryl?”

Typical Meadowbrook High School Reunion Answer:

“About the same time that my brother Darryl went in.”

In addition to its sheer size, the Buffalo Bar and Grill
claims to be Dom Capers’ favorite bar on earth.
And it’s a well-known fact that Dom Capers
is the John Glenn of Meadowbrook.

Actually, he might be cooler than John Glenn
since the ‘Rocket Man’ has never drank
anything stronger than Kick.

And speaking of Kick, if there were a Battle Royal of all
local celebrities, I’m pretty sure Dom Capers would
kick John Glenn in his spaceballs like he was
Darth Helment, and then he would pour a
MGD down his throat.

Did I say that Dom Capers was the
John Glenn of Meadowbrook?
He sounds more like the
Chuck Norris of BUFF-alo!

[And you’re next, Doug ‘Candy Ass’ Donley!]

Plus, I have an extra special reason to love
the Buffalo Bar and Grill; wifey bones
used to live in the white house directly
across the street from the joint!

And her mom still works at the blue carry-out
liquor store and bait and tackle shop next door.

And that’s the house where I actually
picked her up for our first date!

How awesome would it be to live across
the street from the Buffalo Bar and Grill?

You could eat a
King Frouk for breakfast,
liver and onions for lunch,
and Old Milwaukee for dinner!

Put a man on that diet and look out Dom Capers!

“Put me in coach, I’m ready to play… offensive line!"

After a month of that diet, even Gumie could play
Offensive Tackle in the NFL like that big
Chronic looking motherfucker
from The Blind Side!


What the First Lady of the
United States of America,
Michelle Obama, says
about the Buffalo Bar & Grill:

Look out
Cambridge!

Me, Barack,
& Joe Ballin’ Biden
are gonna dominate
this year's Gus Macker,
Chicago style!

Why I Love the Muddy Misers

The reason why I love the Muddy Misers is NOT because
it has the best taxidermy in Southeastern Ohio.

Nor is it because its name sounds like Muddy Mudsliders,
which reminds me of my 3rd all-time favorite Cabin memory;
behind the Bread Thongs and the night Gumie’s drunk ass
fell into the lake & a kindly architect offered to give him
“mouth-to-penis” resuscitation.

Nor is the reason why I love the Muddy Misers because
the bar is themed after Zane Grey, although I do like the fact
that Zane Grey was such a pooch-hound that he made
T.J. look like Mark E. Bowers.

Now, I understand how outrageous this claim must at first appear.

Who could make Ethan’s protégé look like Mark E. Bowers?

But think about this; many people have a
secret homemade stash of porno?

But how many of these secret stashes end up in a museum?

Zane Grey’s secret stash of homemade porn
ended up in the Ohio Historical Society!

How pimp is THAT?

Nor is the reason why I love the Muddy Miser
because of its beautiful back patio that overlooks
the Muddy Muskingum River.

This patio is a great place to tip back a couple of
Great Lakes beers, grub some fish & chips,
or get ‘Kelly-faced’ with Groooovin’ Larry
like I did a couple of weekends ago.

[God, how AWESOME is the phrase ‘Kelly-faced’?
Too bad Rudy Holiday wasn’t more Zane Grey!]

No, the reason why I love the Muddy Miser
is because of how good I feel every time
I take a piss in its bathroom

Allow me to explain.

Pissing at the Muddy Miser became the feel good
story of the entire Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket;
like Bo Kimble shooting a left-handed free-throw
in memory of his friend Hank Gathers Cunningham.

In the Muddy Miser’s shitter, there’s a huge framed
photograph depicting the controversial pass
interference call from Ohio State’s upset
of Florida in the 2002 BCS title game.

Many OSU haters claim that this call
was bogus and helped Ohio State
steal an undeserved victory.

[And by the way haters,
Ethan's waiting in the parking lot!]

But the feel-goodness doesn’t stop there.

Take a closer look at the plaque
at the bottom of the photograph:

Can you see it?

Can you see THE LOVE?

It reads:

“Donated by Choo Choo Chappelear
In memory of Freight Train Evans”

If that doesn’t bring a tear to your eye
then you haven’t drank enough.

But don’t worry,
Grooooovin’ Larry just ordered
another round of Buttery Nipple shots!

What Drunken Ass Steve Nash &
'Cousin' Dirk Navicky
say about the Muddy Miser

Somebody call
Eduardo ‘Tavio Soto’ Najera

We're getting
KELLY-FACED
TONIGHT!

Why I Love The Point

Can any list of best bars in Southeastern Ohio NOT include The Point?

It’s as important to Cambridge’s social fabric as Brazil is to the
Word Cup, steroids are to Liberty’s Special Teams, or
Cheap-ass Textbooks are to Brooklyn Public Schools.

While other bars in the area fill up with jabronees, douche bags,
architects, and Brett Michaels wannabes from Byesville,
The Point gets packed with local celebrities.

Don’t believe me?

I recently went to The Point on a random Saturday night and
compiled this list of the distinguished Cambridge people who
congregated around the bar, drinking Michelob Ultra
showing off their State Rings, and discussing life in
Ohio Magazine’s Best Hometown of 2010.

Here’s the list:

9 students who got hammered in Spain during the
infamous 1994 Spanish Club field trip

(including the one student who really got “hammered”)

8 members of the infamous “Hood Ornament Gang”

(including members of both the Nike & Addidas Posse)

7 former Ray Voltz Award winners

(including 0 weight lifting non-Ray Voltz Award winners)

6 bastard children of Ray Voltz

(including one with the odd last name ‘Ka-VOLTZ-chik’)

5 former Cambridge High School valedictorians

(including Cameron Quick-Bowers)

4 people claiming membership in the EP

(real EP members are sworn to secrecy like the Knights Templar!)

3 members of the Cambridge Junior High School Basketball B Team

(including Sheldon Ilgauskas)

2 former mayors of Cambridge

(including one who dressed like Nathan Lane in The Birdcage)

And...

1 future mayor of Cambridge, better known as DICK! Bertkus

In addition to all of these legendary Cambridge
characters, I also spied the SLOW HAND
of the all-time most successful coach
in Cambridge High School tennis history.

I also spied the STEADY HAND of the
all-time most successful circumciser
in Cambridge medical history.

What the 5th Senior on the 1995 State Team says
about The Point:

“You call
this a
No-Jump
Lay-up?

I’m the
Jackson Park
Jordan, BABY!”

Name That Shithole (Part Deux)

Alright, Kiron correctly guessed that the last
'Name That Shithole' was the beloved Spirit Lounge.

Now things get tougher.

I had to do a serious drive-by to snap this photo.

I stopped the car in the middle of the road,
rolled down my window, snapped this photo,
and then sped off like I had just egged Cheyenne's.

Thankfully, my drive-by was a success and I wasn't
forced to star in a homemade version of
'Deliverance: Part Deux'

This is a super shady-ass part of town.

I swear that this photograph depicts what used
to be a REAL bar in the Cambridge area.

Gumie might be the only one of us who's ever
set foot in this fine establishment.

Let the guessing begin...