The Felice Brothers at SPACE Gallery

This concert should’ve never really happened.

The Felice Brothers were due to play a $12 concert at SPACE Gallery in Portland, and I was in Columbus, Ohio.

While the band was doing soundcheck, I was sitting at my boarding gate at Columbus Airport, reading Ralph Nader’s new novel, and eating a Clif Bar. My literary included a layover in Baltimore, where I wolfed down a slice of pizza and ogled New England’s MLS squad ‘The Revolution.’ (As I expected, they all looked like sissies!)

I then sat on the tarmac in the Baltimore, attempting to drown out the doofus behind me by singing the chorus to ‘Whiskey in my Whiskey’:

I put some whiskey in my whiskey

I put some heartbreak into my heart

I put my boots on that old dancefloor

And I put three rounds, Lord, in my .44

My ETA in Portland was 10:15, but when do airlines ever arrive on time?

And doors opened at SPACE Gallery at 7:30.

No chance, right?

I first heard of The Felice Brothers from Uncut Magazine, who listed them on their Top 100 albums of the decade list. The article included a picture of the band swimming fully-clothed and still wearing their hats. I mistook them for British. I mean, going swimming fully-clothed and wearing a hat sounds like the queer shite that only Brits do. But I was wrong; they’re actually from upstate New York.

My copy of Uncut Magazine also came with a free cd, which included the song ‘Don’t Wake the Scarecrow.’ The song is a creepy faux Americana ballad that reminds me of a musical version of Cormac McCarthy’s Blood Meridian. (And by the way, who, other than Cormac McCarthy, knew that bald albinos could be so badass?) ‘Don’t Wake the Scarecrow’ was so good that it made me wish that I had a favorite heroin-addicted prostitute with whom I could plan a weekend getaway to Reno.

On the strength of ‘Don’t Wake the Scarecrow,’ I bought the album in a record store in Dayton, Ohio. It wasn’t my first choice; I was actually trying to buy the newest Fleet Foxes album. Wow, that would’ve been a big mistake! I now know that the Fleet Foxes sound as sissy as the New England Revolution look, fruity Odwalla drinking mofos!

I expected big things from the album, but, to be honest, I was mildly disappointed. It was patchy. The songs tended towards slower tempos, and too many slow tempo songs spell boredom over an entire album. But songs like ‘Frankie’s Gun’ and ‘Greatest Show on Earth’ were catchy and fun. Rave reviews on Pitchfork.com compared the album to early Dylan and The Band.

I arrived at Portland International Jetway (relatively) on time. By the time I navigated baggage claim, it was approaching 10:30. Harboring very low expectations, I hopped a cab, dropped my bag off, and zoomed off to SPACE Gallery.

What luck! Apparently, I wasn’t the only person to have experienced travel delays that evening; The Felice Brothers had been delayed for hours at the Canadian border. They were running super-late, to the point that the organizers were becoming concerned that they were languishing in a Canadian gulag.

According to rumor, Canadian Mounties at the border crossing mistook the band for drug-smuggling hobos. And to Canada’s credit, they are a sketchy-looking bunch of dudes, traveling in a van, and claiming to be “brothers.”

The Felice Brothers arrived no more than ten minutes before I did.

It was a great show: loud, late, & very sweaty. It felt like a Cajun Catskills Fais-do-do. Cheap PBR flowed like the waters of a bubbling Hudson Valley spring. The songs that came off as slow on the album, sounded great live; they were very energetic and endearingly messy.

The only downside to The Felice Brothers’ run-in with the Canadian Mounties was that lead singer, Ian Felice’s, clothes had apparently been confiscated at the border. This confiscation forced him to play the entire show wearing his Grandmother’s nightshirt.

Take a look:

And, believe it or not, those two blokes in the photograph are the only two real brothers in The Felice Brothers.

Those two are brothers?

Are you sure?

Ian looks like Errol Flynn; while James looks like a frickin’ professional grizzly bear wrestler!

No wonder the Canadian Mounties were suspicious…

Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket Honorable Mentions (Part III):

Most Impressive Selection of Ohio Beers:

Theo’s
(Columbus Pale Ale, Cleveland’s
Great Lakes Eliot Ness, & Akron’s Thirsty Dog)



Bar Name that Most Reminds Me of Mikeways:

Ye Olde Falls Inn in Zanesville



Best Hanging Taxidermy:

The Muddy Misers

Best Non-Hanging Taxidermy:

The Chronic’s Den

Most Awesome Thing to Say about Creekside Cafe:

“I had my first date there!”

[Technically it was still Brighton’s Ice Cream Parlor,
where Cassie & I shared a delightful dinner.
Jetia & I never really went on “dates”]



Best Shitter:

The Holiday Inn



Best Shitter for Ankle to Trash
on Bert’s Birthday Bar Crawl:

The Long Branch



Strangest Food Item on Any Menu
in Southeastern Ohio:

$1.50 Goose Liver Sandwich at Terry’s Tavern in Zanesville




Best Food Special Now That the Spirit Lounge
No Longer Offers $2 Creamed Chicken
Sandwich Wednesday Nights:

The Park Circle’s .45 cent wings and
$1.00 Draft Beers on Thursday Night



Best NBA paraphernalia:

The autographed Kevin Martin jersey
and the decorative Houston Rockets
Terrible Towel in Terry’s Tavern in Zanesville

[Terrible Towel?

I thought that was Yao Ming’s Spunk Rag?]

Gumie’s Original Aurora:

The Long Branch



Cambridge Bar That Would Be Filled with
Annoying Hipsters If It Were Located
in Williamsburg, Brooklyn:

Bud’s Pub



Last NYCtown Bar:

Habana Outpost in Fort Greene



Best Story from the Last NYCtown:

The King of Dubai’s bankrolling
Ethan and Ari’s move to Miami



Best Text Sent to Bert While Chronic & I
were getting ‘State-Faced’ at the
Geisen Haus in North Canton:

“We’re hammered and heading towards Berlin.
Can’t wait to meet Alex & Kelly, Jr.”



Worst Mental Image Discussed While
Chronic & I were getting ‘State-Faced’
at the Geisen Haus in North Canton:

Zydrunas Ilgauskas taking his “talents” to
South Beach in a Lithuanian Flag speedo



Most Iconic Food Item in Old Washington:

Deep Cut’s Deep Fried Hamburger

Most Iconic Food Item in Byesville:

Buffalo Bar & Grill’s King Frouk



Most Iconic Food Item in Cambridge:

Theo’s Famous Coney Island Hot Dog for $1.25
[Grated Cheddar cheese, cole slaw,
or extra sauce .25 cents each]



Best Bar View of Any Bar in Southeastern Ohio:

The back patio overlooking the Muskingum River
at Terry’s Tavern in Zanesville

Worst Bar View:

The gigantic pair of skanky thighs that Gumie & I
recently saw upon walking into the Park Circle



Best Comparison that I wasn’t able to use on the Blog:

Theo’s is to the CPAC Theater what NYC’s
Russian Tea Room is to Carnegie Hall.

Worst Comparison that I wasn’t able to use on the Blog:

Creekside Café is like Quark’s bar on the
Promenade of Deep Space Nine, where
Ferengi used to sell Rum and Slugo-Cola.



Best Bar Memorabilia Involving a Character from Star Trek:

Drunken Spock at the Weasel Boy Brewery in Zanesville

Name That Shithole (Part IV)

Alright, I've saved the best for last.

If I remember correctly, all of us (excluding Bert)
have set foot in this fine Guernsey County establishment.

And if you squint, you can see that in the photograph
there's a stuffed gorilla in a baby carriage.

Wow, I found that to be VERY ironic!

Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket Honorable Mentions (Part II)

Best Munchies
(according to Groooovin’ Larry):

Fish & Chips at the Muddy Miser

Funniest Mental Image from the Market House Inn:

The NCR-made bartending machine sticking his
robotic balls in Gumie’s Sapphire Martini



Best Bar to See New Cambridge High School
Varsity Basketball Coach, Mike Andrews,
Sneaking into at 2:00 am:

Shakers Nite Club



Greatest Thing About the Old Holiday Inn Bar:

Seeing Gumie Wear Snaggletooth’s
Confederate Flag Panties like a Bandana



Best Memory from the Silver Eagle:

Me and E. Wayne Earp getting a free PBR
from bartender Kevin Hickman



Weirdest Memory from the Silver Eagle:

The time some sketchball challenged me to a
fight in the parking lot for staring at him



Stupidest Thing I Did During the
Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket:

Walk across the railroad bridge behind
the Muddy Miser while Bobcat-faced

Best Joke about Old Washington:

The Union Army “Sneadgered” Morgan’s Raiders
like that were Ethan playing center in an
8th Grade Basketball game



Best Place to Buy Alcohol
Near New Concord:

The Cooler; you gotta love a place where
you can get your boat repaired and
buy a twelve pack of Natty Light.



Best Architectural Flourish
of Any Bar in Southeastern Ohio:

The Rocking Horse’s New Orleans-like balconies



Worst Architectural Flourish
of Any Bar in Southeastern Ohio:

Every revolting inch of Howdy’s Tavern



Gayest Architectural Flourish
of Any Bar in Southeastern Ohio:

[Insert Your Own Kent State Joke Here]

Why I Love The Park Circle

It was the hottest day of the summer when I pulled out
of the driveway and headed to the Park Circle.

I mean, it was hotter than Emily out.

The thermostat in the car recorded 97 degrees.

My ‘Peas on Earth’ tee-shirt was soaked with sweat,
and my mustache was dripping with saline & White Russian Milk.

I was afraid that my State Ring might melt to the steering wheel.

But heat or no heat, I was not to be denied.

I was as determined as Tommy Lloyd to play #1 seed to get
Bobcat-faced on the Park Circle’s new outdoor patio.

That’s right, I said: the Park Circle has expanded!

There hasn’t been this much excitement in Cambridge
since Mayor Schaub donned a dress like frickin'
Mrs. Doubtfire and tried to blow Gumie’s dad!

[Actual, doesn’t ‘Mayor Schaub’ sound like a
great name for a Milwaukee-style beer?]

Mayor Schaub:
The Beer That Made Cambridge Famous!

But back to the Pride of East Cambridge...

The Park Circle’s expansion has Cambridge buzzing with
more excitement than Gumie at a Star Trek Convention,
whose theme is ‘The Cats of Deep Space Nine,’ or
Bert getting bra sizes at the 15 Year Reunion.

[“Whoa, Missy, you’re still a C Cup?”]

But before I get too carried away with
comparisons, here are some ‘Before & After’ photos:

[I’m talking about the Park Circle’s patio, not of
Gumie surrounded by Jadzia Dax lookalike pussy cats!]


Before:

Notice how small and crappy the bar looks.

Who needs windows, right?

I mean, the Alamo had more windows than the Park Circle!

And now gaze upon the ‘After’ photograph.


After:

Now, the Park Circle looks like a small,
crappy bar…with a patio!

Par-TAY!

And take a closer look at the photograph,
see anything odd:

Yup, that’s a Cambridge Taxi parked directly in front of the bar.

And what you can’t see is that on the door is written:
“Cambridge Taxi: Cambridge’s Designated Driver.”

Hmm…

It’s 5:30 on a Friday afternoon,
and I don’t think that Taxi Driver is
in the Park Circle picking anybody up.

The Park Circle: New Management, New Patio,
Same Old Sketchy East Cambridge Clientele!

And while the exterior has changed,
the Park Circle’s inside still looks like it
did when we would go there to enjoy
.99 cent PBRs in a frosty mug.

The PBR is gone, but the sign over the bar is still there that reads;
“Keep the ‘F’ word to yourself, or you may be asked to leave."

How classy is that?

I mean, there’s no way that Bert’s emails would
be allowed to drink in the Park Circle.

And don’t be too fucking pissed off that the fucking Park Circle
no longer has fucking PB fucking R on tap, they do stock
another hand-to-find Milwaukee bar:

Blatz, baby!

Rumor around town is that a number of architecture
firms actually bid on building the Park Circle’s patio.

One of these bidders was a highly
esteemed architectural firm from Boston.

According to the rumor that I heard at Bud’s Pub,
this architectural firm planned to completely
redesign the patio to resemble the outdoor
pavilion of a Seneca Lake Cabin.

There would be an outhouse,
Macaroni Salad artwork, and a place
for Corey Moore to drunkenly face-plant
midway through Barry Davis’ new band’s
killer rendition of ‘Don’t Fear the Reaper.’

[Or was the name of that song: “Don’t Fear the Leaper?”]

According to the old drunk next to me
at Bud’s Pub, this Boston architectural
firm had won the competition, and the
plans were almost finalized.

All that was left to do was to dot the ‘I’s,
cross the ‘T’s, and scar the noses.

But at the last minute, the Davis Architecture Group burst
into the room like the fucking Kool-Aid Man and
‘Koolhas-slapped’ those bitch-asses back to Boston!

OH SNAP!

You just got KOOLHAS-SLAPPED!

What President Barack Obama
Says About The Park Circle:

“Alaskan Julie?”

That fish-smelling Ho got
KOOLHAS-SLAPPED
all the way back to Wasilla!

Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket Honorable Mentions (Part I)

Best Joke from the Cambridge Bar Brawl Bracket:

“Isaiah, the Bear’s Den wooden totem pole just called you a nigger!”

Best Framed Photograph:

Sure, every bar in the area has a framed photograph of Dom Capers,
but only Roland’s Hi Li has a framed photograph of some
Byesville homo shaking hands with Ronald Reagan



Best Joke Referencing the Long Branch’s
Theme of a Western Saloon:

“E. Wayne Earp is my friend… I’m your Berryhuckle!”



Hardest Bar to Find Even Though It Has Three
Rural Highway Signs in Front of It:

Crossroads Tavern

Weirdest Thing Ever Said to
Dom Capers at the Muddy Misers:

“Will you autograph my wall-hanging trout sculpture?”



Best Beer on Any Menu in Southeastern Ohio:

Abita Turbodog at Ruby Tuesday’s



Worst Beer on Any Menu in Southeastern Ohio:

Pond Ale at the Jackson Park Pub

Name That Shithole (Part 3)

Alright, here's a hint for Name That Shithole (Part 3):
This is the closest bar to what was The Frosty Treat.

I wasn't aware until I ventured down to snap some pictures
that this INfamous Cambridge establishment is
surrounded on all four sides by factories.

How sketchy is THAT?

I mean, this Shithole feels like a bar that Axl Foley
might frequent in 'Cambridge Hills Cop'

Let the guessing begin...