Why I Love The Point

Can any list of best bars in Southeastern Ohio NOT include The Point?

It’s as important to Cambridge’s social fabric as Brazil is to the
Word Cup, steroids are to Liberty’s Special Teams, or
Cheap-ass Textbooks are to Brooklyn Public Schools.

While other bars in the area fill up with jabronees, douche bags,
architects, and Brett Michaels wannabes from Byesville,
The Point gets packed with local celebrities.

Don’t believe me?

I recently went to The Point on a random Saturday night and
compiled this list of the distinguished Cambridge people who
congregated around the bar, drinking Michelob Ultra
showing off their State Rings, and discussing life in
Ohio Magazine’s Best Hometown of 2010.

Here’s the list:

9 students who got hammered in Spain during the
infamous 1994 Spanish Club field trip

(including the one student who really got “hammered”)

8 members of the infamous “Hood Ornament Gang”

(including members of both the Nike & Addidas Posse)

7 former Ray Voltz Award winners

(including 0 weight lifting non-Ray Voltz Award winners)

6 bastard children of Ray Voltz

(including one with the odd last name ‘Ka-VOLTZ-chik’)

5 former Cambridge High School valedictorians

(including Cameron Quick-Bowers)

4 people claiming membership in the EP

(real EP members are sworn to secrecy like the Knights Templar!)

3 members of the Cambridge Junior High School Basketball B Team

(including Sheldon Ilgauskas)

2 former mayors of Cambridge

(including one who dressed like Nathan Lane in The Birdcage)

And...

1 future mayor of Cambridge, better known as DICK! Bertkus

In addition to all of these legendary Cambridge
characters, I also spied the SLOW HAND
of the all-time most successful coach
in Cambridge High School tennis history.

I also spied the STEADY HAND of the
all-time most successful circumciser
in Cambridge medical history.

What the 5th Senior on the 1995 State Team says
about The Point:

“You call
this a
No-Jump
Lay-up?

I’m the
Jackson Park
Jordan, BABY!”

Name That Shithole (Part Deux)

Alright, Kiron correctly guessed that the last
'Name That Shithole' was the beloved Spirit Lounge.

Now things get tougher.

I had to do a serious drive-by to snap this photo.

I stopped the car in the middle of the road,
rolled down my window, snapped this photo,
and then sped off like I had just egged Cheyenne's.

Thankfully, my drive-by was a success and I wasn't
forced to star in a homemade version of
'Deliverance: Part Deux'

This is a super shady-ass part of town.

I swear that this photograph depicts what used
to be a REAL bar in the Cambridge area.

Gumie might be the only one of us who's ever
set foot in this fine establishment.

Let the guessing begin...

Results from the Sweet 16

The Northside of Cambridge Region

#1 Holiday Inn 51
#5 The Bear’s Den 64

Bracket Buster Alert: Snaggletooth’s Liar is closed!
Holiday Inn has gone the way of the Spirit Lounge and Deer Creek.
Does this mean that Snaggletooth is out roaming the streets of
Cambridge like a horny Will Smith in ‘I Am Legend’?

Actually, that movie title does kinda fit Snaggletooth.



#2 The Forum 79
#6 Muddy Miser 83

Ompah!

Why has it taken me so long to discover that the Forum
serves flaming cheese? I haven’t had flaming cheese since
Bert & I caught a case of it in Detroit's Greektown.

[Wow, that sounded dirty!]

But even still, The Forum was no match for Zanesville’s
home of fish & chips, taco salad and taxidermy.

Two days ago, I was sitting out on the Muddy Miser’s
patio and who should happen to sit next to me but…

Grooovin’ Larry Brill, baby!

The Eastside of Cambridge Region

#1 The Point 66
#4 Cozy Corner 46

Breaking news:
the Cozy Corner is now owned by a
member of the Ford family.

How awesome it that?

Let’s turn that motherfucker into
the Geno Ford Hall of Fame!

There could be Kent State memorabilia and
framed ill-fitting blue dress shirts on the wall.

Wednesday night could be ‘Mark Larson Night’:
people with lazy eyes get half priced Michelob Ultras.

And they could hang
Dustin memorabilia in the shitter.

Oh wait a minute, the Cozy Corner is not owned by
that Ford family; it’s owned by Richie’s uncle.

[Yikes!]


#3 Theo’s 74
#7 Courthouse Café 64

There are two things I love about Theo’s.

#1:
They have a great selection of Ohio beers.

#2:
Those beers are served by Lee Albaugh,
whose Cambridge City Courts nickname was
“Albaugh, no dick.”

The Southside of Cambridge Region


#1 The Long Branch 73
#5 Creekside Café 66

Nostalgia is always on the menu at the Long Branch.
Walking through the bar’s oddly angled doors is like
walking through a wood-paneled time machine.

Just entering the bar makes you feel like it’s circa 1988.

You’ve just gotten off shift at NCR.

You and your Indian engineer buddies
are itching for an ice cold Schiltz .

You then spend the entire evening bellied up to the bar,
talking about how Scotty Mack needs more touches
and how proud any father would be to have
Jay Maximo date their daughter.

And when the evening ends,
you stumble back to NCR to start
your morning shift; pausing on your
way to urinate on Bud’s Pub.


#2 Park Circle 56
#6 Doctor’s Lounge 51

Ever wonder where the name ‘Park Circle’ came from?
The bar is nowhere near a park, nor a cul-du-sac.

Maybe it's named after that circle you discover near your
“veritable forest” that you fear might be another flare
up of the dreaded McCracken?

I propose that the Park Circle changes its name
to the Justin Wells Café, the Ravak Shack,
or PJ’s House of Pints & Plungers.

Barrett Hill Road Region

#1 Shakers 67
#4 Buffalo Grill 71

Another Bracket Buster Alert: Shakers is closed!
Apparently, Wheeling Avenue’s finest nightclub
is under new management.

It’s now named ‘Gilbert Arenas.’

[Ok, so maybe it’s really named ‘The Arena.']

No word yet whether or not the new ownership
will allow Staceyclaus to come to town.


#2 Market House 50
#6 Deep Cut 53

The legend of Deep Cut’s deep fried
cheeseburger has reached mythic proportions.

I mean, fuck Bigfootkowski;
I’m a deep fried cheeseburger hunter!

And how exactly do you fry a cheeseburger?

Not to mention: why?

And if you can deep fry a cheeseburger,
why not deep fry a fish sandwich?

Hell, all you would need was some drunken
mofo to palm that motherfucker and dunk it
in the deep fryer like Bertquille O’Neal.

Barrett Hill Road Region Sweet 16

#1 Shakers versus #4 Buffalo Bar & Grill

The Match-up:

Here’s a great story about Shakers’s.
While at this year’s holiday ‘Staceyfest,’
I snuck downstairs to have a piss.
Above the urinal I saw an advertisement
for Shaker’s upcoming New Year’s Eve party,
which included a “very special guest.”
Any guesses?

No, not David Allen Chronic...

No, not a male stripper dressed as John Glenn...

Nope, not one of Tiger Hollins’ hoes...

Give up?

Shakers had booked the runner-up from
Rock of Love: Season Two.

Yeah, just think about THAT for a second.

That’s the skeezy biznitch
that Brett Michaels deemed too skanky to date!

What the Blogosphere says:

On discovertown.com, ladouche@arthistory.com wrote:

“Is the Buffalo Bar & Grill’s King Frouk named after
the undisputed king of the Redder family?”

#2 The Market House versus #6 Deep Cut

The Match-up:

The Market House’s interior design scheme
reminds me of the Excalibur Casino meets the Cabin.

That’s right, I’m talking about Seneca Vegas!

Tapestries hanging on the walls
like a Macaroni Salad painting,
people wear togas and other Medieval attire,
some clown blows a bugle, and flying buttresses
and Romanesque barrel butt vaults all over the place.

All the Excalibur is missing is
Peanut’s famous Charleston street poetry.

And wasn’t the Excalibur where some lady remarked
that Curly looked like Greg Louganis?

What the Blogosphere says:

On menupages.com, heyguys@wantsomegum.com wrote:

Deepcut sounds like 'backdoor cut.' As in,
it’s the fourth quarter against Barnesville.

You’re wide open on the baseline.

Your teammate delivers a picture-perfect,
Steve Nash bounce pass.

There’s nobody standing in-between you and
your first points of the season...

[Sigh!]”

What OU Assistant Coach & Junior High Band Director says:

“Sean, I like the way
you handle your trombone.
Please see me after class and
I’ll teach you how to play the
theme song from Rock of Love.”

Southside Region Sweet 16

#1 Long Branch versus #5 Creekside

The Match-up:

Long Branch continues its dominance as East Cambridge’s
version of Cheers. Come to think of it, how great would
Josh Redder & Sam Contaneza be as Norm & Cliff?
And Goob could be Woody to Bert’s Ted Danson.
And Gumie’s old main squeeze could be Carla.
Somebody call Jay Maximo’s Hollywood wannabe ass,
I’ve got a great idea for a sitcom!

Hmm…

Now all we need is somebody to play the part of the
wooden INDIAN that used to stand by the front door.

What the Blogosphere says:

On Ctown.com, curlyrunsthecity@nycmarathon.com wrote:

“To celebrate their first round victory,
Creekside set up a keg in the parking lot of
Dr. Green’s office and called it their
“Bier Garten.”

Free eye exams and Busch Heavy for everyone!

[Undercover Liquor Agents NOT INVITED!]”

“Get in the back of the squad car, McCracken!”

#2 Park Circle versus #6 Doctor’s Lounge


The Match-up:

Park Circle is a battering ram of a bar, slamming up
against your liver like Gumie’s dad leading the rest of the
Cambridge Fire Department as they brake into
a raging Kevin Hickman house party,
Backdraft-style!

Kurt Russell to Gumie Baldwin:

“Who’s your big brother, Brian?”

Cousin Kevin to Cambridge Police Department:

“We didn’t start the fffire…”

What the Blogosphere says:

On Pleasantcity.com, drunktank@stormville.com wrote:

“Doc's is like Club Fantasy: The Next Generation.
Worf always did kinda look like angry bouncer.
And who wouldn't totally pay Deanna Troi
for a Betazoid Lap-dance!”

What my favorite basketball
player of all time,
San Antonio Spurs Star
George Gervin, says:

“The Doctor’s Lounge
and Gentlemen’s Club
is NOT the Cinderella
of the tournament.
What Fairy Tale has a
pizza-munching,
lap-dancing princess?

Cinderella?

Doc's is more
like Jetiarella!”

Eastside Region Sweet 16

#1 The Point versus #4 Cozy Corner

The Match-up:

To celebrate their big first round upset,
the Cozy popped bottles of Boone's Farm,
duct-taped them to their hands,
donned their Hammer Pants,
and turned Jamboree Foods into
Jamboree in the (Ghetto) Hills.


What the Blogosphere says:

On Byesville.com, zeroforseven@nojump.com wrote:

“East Wheeling Avenue battles West Wheeling Avenue!
Two-for-One Steak Night battles Two-for-One Shank Night!
Park School battles Lincoln School!
This is like the frickin’ Karatebridge Kid,
with Gumie-san facing off against the Cobra Khan,
under the watchful eye of Sensei Art Clemens.

"Put him in a body bag, Jerome!"

#3 Theo’s versus #7 Courthouse Café

The Match-up:

It is a little known fact that within the original
Northwest Ordinance of 1787, it is explicitly stated that
there must be a bar no less than 50 feet from the entrance
to all municipal buildings. This explains why the new
municipal court is being built so close to The Point.
This law was designed by President Thomas Jefferson
to ease the pain of leather-pants-wearing-mofos
after they get “Judge Slapped” by the Hanging Judge.

"Nice shot Dustin!"

What the Blogosphere says:

On chow.com, kneehighsocks@recspecs.com wrote:

“The ‘Courthouse Café?’
Wasn’t that slang for getting late-night
Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers from Wendy's,
eating them on the benches in front of the Courthouse,
and then throwing our trash in Gene’s shitty little lawn?”


What Shawn Kemp says:

“I’m like a black Bill Brasky.
I’ve sired a baseball team,
the Southeastern Ohio Symphony
if you count the bastards!”

Northside Region Sweet 16

#1 Holiday Inn Bar versus #5 Bear’s Den

The Match-up:

Deep in the heart of Old Washington,
archeologists have discovered an iconic totem
pole sculpture of the Great Drunken Bear God
that was once worshipped by a primitive
Native American Indian tribe named the
Jamboreeans in the Hilleans.
These peaceful pooch-hunters & gatherers
were known for trading beads and beaver pelts
for NASCAR tee-shirts, jean shorts, and chaw.

[I just said ‘beaver pelts’… snicker, snicker]


What the Blogosphere says:

On yelp.com, brokenknee@architects.com wrote:

“How? Kemosabe.
Me Jamboreean in the Hilleans Big Chief.
Me smoke ’em the peace pipe
with other Injun Warriors
in the parking lot of Hardee’s.”

#2 The Forum versus #6 Muddy Miser

The Match-up:

Last time I was boozing at the Forum,
I was seated at the bar surrounded by a pre-party for the
Cambridge Junior High School’s Sweetheart’s Dance.
The Sweetheart’s Dance is like an 8th Grade Prom.
This only made me feel slightly creepy in a
Lawrence Taylor kind of way.
But hey, Jason Seckman was there, too!

“Hello ladies, how’s Ohio History?
Is that pimp John Ritter-mofo Mr. Gibson
still throwing game at Billie Lewis’ fine Bea Arthur ass?”

What the Blogosphere says:

On savorycity.com, amish@whatsyourbrasize.com wrote:

“The Muddy Miser’s back porch overlooks
the Muskingum River. That river is so brown
it looks like a tributary of Seneca Lake
after that frickin’ guy in the Mohawk
goes brown trout fishing.”


What former West Virginian Mountaineer Power Forward,
Kevin Pittsnogle, says:

“A Prom for 8th Graders?
Par-TAY!
Ladies, in Morgantown,
people call me
Kevin Poonnogle!”